New Years

Last year seems to have passed without any posts from me on this site, either extolling the virtues of something or complaining about something else. I easily shift away from documenting my self-reflection, and I think that's what the past year of absence from this forum has proven.


So Jan 1, 2017 is tomorrow. It's a good time to reflect about the past year what I hope for the coming year. So, here goes... (And maybe I'll see if I can update more often in the new year)


I'm probably aware of 2016's losses in a more keen way than what any other aspect of the year stands out. First in those people who passed on: Prince, David Bowie, Elie Weisel, Mohammad Ali, Johan Cruyff, Umberto Eco, Gwen Ifill, Fidel Castro Leonard Cohen, Carrie Fischer. These are only a few, but these are people who impacted me at some point in my life, or continue to impact me. Combine that seeming onslaught of prominent people passing with the monumentally disgusting loss to Donald Trump that took place in November, 2016 as a year, was not a great one. (I'm not yet able to think clearly or constructively about our President Elect. Maybe sometime, but not yet.) I've also dealt with the loss of a major set of relationships associated with a contract at work. Again I recognize that as a loss, but I'm not sure that I have dealt with it in a way that is helpful  yet.


So as I consider a year with a number of losses in it, I look forward to a new year with trepidation. I want it to be better. I want to make better choices. I want to do better when it comes to family and to friends. But I also worry about the mathematical result of progress and that it means loss in the future as well. What I'm saying is that 2016 won't be the last year I experience loss. I'd love for that to be the case, but reality remains in play.


So anyway, I purpose to live life in 2017 with more intentional love. to do better at listening and paying attention to the loved ones in my life, to read more and talk less, to cook more and eat less, to spend my spare time with others instead of by myself. and to always be real to myself and to the people I love.


Happy New Year to everyone reading this. and to everyone else, I suppose. Maybe I'll be back before next New Years.

Demons

The National sing a song called "Demons" The chorus repeats over and over "I stay down with my demons." That seems to be where I am today.

Recently I've had good times. There have been some really encouraging things, some of which I had resigned myself to not enjoying or experiencing. I feel like I've had a general lessening of anxiety over specific things and people. Not nearly as much worrying over small details or feeling held at arms length and struggling to be ok with that. I was able to provide some assistance in tangible and casual ways.

Yet my demons, as always, return to remind me that none of it matters. Trying hard, not trying hard, Casual, Warm, Distant, Pleasant, Pre-occupied, Helpful... none of it ever amounts to anything more than surface acknowledgement and the spare specifics that might lead to tangible usefulness. Even when something is accepted it doesn't generate appreciation. It doesn't matter what I think, say, or do. There is only whatever service I can provide, and then the steel trap of inscrutability snaps shut and nothing changes. So many times I think I'm getting used to it and will be ok with no feedback, then something happens to remind me of the isolation and rejection that this type of relationship brings with it and I realize again that I'm not ok. I stay down with my Demons. It doesn't matter. It doesn't feel good, and it doesn't matter.

In more practical and less morose matters, I was able to go over and take in the Pope's visit to Washington DC. It was a fun trip, not much sleep and a lot of walking and waiting in a crowd. It generated a lot of questions and internal dialogue about how I felt about it.

My current and principally practical perspective embraces the unlikelihood of an involved or personal deity. This seems by far the most likely and least contradictory scenario. And in general that perspective has provided a calmness and reduced anxiety in my perspective toward religion and life in general. I don't spend time envying those who pursue faith or wishing it for myself.

In observing and listening to Pope Francis I am fascinated at the selfless and genuine faith put into action. If I ever rediscover the drive to personally involve myself in the pursuit of faith again it will be because of an approach similar to what I observe in this Pontiff. The consistency of his message and his actions is inspirational. He preaches a gospel of love, and caring for everyone, and then demonstrates it with a willingness to reach out and interact with anyone. I see in him a selflessness and unconditional love that the best traditions of faith apply to Jesus Christ.

I still have mixed feelings about the catholic church in general. There is plenty of repressive, damaging negative to go with the positive of the beautiful rituals. Insofar as the rituals themselves beckon, governed by a heavy-handed and out of touch bureaucracy, I'm not interested. At the point that centuries-old traditions are imbued with fresh meaning and beauty by a leader who demonstrates compassion in a direct and undeniable way, makes me think.

No conversion to report at this time. Yet I've indulged in a lot of pondering about what I think and why I think it.

Grandpa

June 28, 2015

My Grandpa died today. It's the first time in my life that his steady, larger-than-life presence isn't there to fall back on. Even when he was old and feeble, he still produced reminders of what he had stood for and never seemed to waver from his faith or his purpose in life.

When I was a kid I was sure my dad knew everything and could do everything. I was also pretty sure that everything he knew had been imparted to him by Grandpa, and I figured Grandpa had probably gotten all of it firsthand from God.

I've been thinking about things I learned from Grandpa. There are untold numbers of things on that list, but here are a few that come to mind right now.

Grandpa attended school until 4th grade. Yet he never let that stop him from learning and accomplishing what needed to be done. He could weld and build mechanical things with an ingenuity nearing that of an inventor. If something needed to be loosened he'd reach for the WD-40, and if it needed to be secured he'd pull out the JB Weld. He was a firm believer that if you couldn't turn a lug nut, all you needed was a longer handle. He repaired VWs for years and had a consistently good name among the local community. In addition to mechanical prowess, he studied the wider world around us. Regular subscriptions to National Geographic for years and years, resulted in a proverbial bookshelf full of old issues, Other subscriptions included the US News and World Report, the Jerusalem Post and a number of other Jewish oriented publications. To read them today, I'm certain I would disagree vehemently with the perspective but I still value the effort he put forth to widen his area of knowledge.

When Grandpa preached he could rattle the window panes with his conviction and when he prayed it seemed like heaven must accede due to his ardor and quaking-voiced insistence. His short stocky stature belied the veritable giant among men that he seemed. Nonetheless as I got older and learned more about the way the world works I came to realize that along with his conviction, and certainty (things I markedly lack) there were elements of harshness and regret that it would have been better to not carry. He was one of the first people who helped my understand that good men aren't perfect. He wasn't a good man because he didn't have failings. He was good in spite of his failings.

From everything I know about Grandpa in his younger years I gather he was highly opinionated, and held those opinions quite strongly. (I suppose it's safe to say elements of those show up in my own experience as well...) A number of times in Grandpa's life his unwillingness to concede a point, no matter how important or technically correct he was, resulted in alienation from others, sometimes even loved ones. I appreciate that he sought to hold fast to the things he felt were important, but I view the alienation that caused as something that can and should be avoided.

As a family we were quite accustomed to seeing his arms folded, eyes squeezed shut and his head bouncing up and down with a peculiar jolliness that was infectious. He loved good humor and indulged in laughter that shook his whole body. It's not hard to see similarities in sons, grandsons, and at least with Jamison, the next generation too. He enjoyed a quick afternoon nap, took barbecuing chicken seriously and was always ready for a good discussion, particularly if it was about End times prophecy. 

He was a stalwart member of the church. He valued his integrity in the community far more than achieving "success" or wealth. He was accommodating and helpful, to anyone who needed it. But most of all, he was the patriarch of the family that made me who I am. 

I miss you Grandpa. I see your life reflected in the faces and the actions of my uncles, aunts, and cousins. I'm proud to take my part in carrying on your memory. 

Thank you for leaving a legacy to be proud of. 

EMC World 2015

The interesting, informative, somewhat frenetic experience of EMC World 2015 is drawing to a close. It has been fun and enriching. Here are a few of the thoughts I have in reflecting on the past 4 days.


- Progress: EMC is making great efforts to recover and organize around their position as a leader in the world of tech. Their emerging technologies continue to push the envelope to provide seamless access in a wide range of scenarios. They have done a good job in answering the challenge of the cheaper All Flash Array vendors. And they continue to refine and improve products that have long been leaders in functionality and indeed near industry standard in some cases. I also appreciated the emphasis on charity through a partnership with Charity: Water. Glad to see that emphasis.

- Crazy. Las Vegas as the host city has been an interesting experience. It pitches itself as the place where dreams come true and where anything and everything is possible. Yet behind that lovely facade is a dark, lonely element of disappointment and self-derision. I've enjoyed seeing it and being a part of it. I could see coming again, although I believe perspective is imperative.

- Knowledge. The breakout sessions have been quite informative and have brought into focus a number of things that could / should be strong priorities to my company, if / when we ever get through the backlog of strong priorities that we currently have. I've learned a lot, and I want to present it in such a way that others can understand it.

- Music. Favorably impressed by EMC's decision to use a live orchestra for the keynote sessions. They really improved the presentations. Also some of the side-stage bands have been interesting and intriguing. The Customer Appreciation Event Concert of Fall Out Boy and One Republic was disappointing. Here's my take....

• A Prime Rib Carving Station at a concert? Lamest Crowd Ever. I love free beer, but the entitlement in a constant buffet of food is just ridiculous.
• All Fall Out Boy songs sound the same. I'm Sorry, I've tried, I just can't bring myself to understand and enjoy their sound. 
• I thought Fall Out Boy's visuals were very disruptive and I liked that they appear to be challenging ideas of capitalism and government oppression. Also they really brought it with great energy.
• Sound was too low for One Republic and WAY Too Low for Fall Out Boy.
• One Republic I found to be diverse in the sense that they include a number of different styles of music in their repertoire. .Interesting - right? Yet they seemed to be stuck in an attempt to make popular music and end up with a whole lot of perfectly forgettable songs. 
• The final song, an EDM remix of  "If I Lose Myself" was the best thing out out there all night. 
• I'm glad I went. Didn't feel at home like I do at Firefly Music Festival, that's for sure.

- Conversations - From informed technical interchange in the solutions expo to philosophizing with drunk Irishmen in a bar, I had a good time talking with people. Not everyone, I remain a more withdrawn person than that, but I made an effort to walk away with at least one contact to take home every day. I met that goal easily and had a great time while doing it.

Information Generation: Somewhat of a buzzword at this convention, I appreciate the focus and emphasis being made about the transformation of life that is occurring around us through the digitization and data collection of virtually every part of life. The Guru session with Jason Silva and Jake Porway was the highlight of the week for me. Jason encouraged us to embrace the ubiquitous nature of data today and Jake reminded us of the importance of giving back and seeking ways to improve the experience of the human family. This was great. 

Disruptive: I'm ready to get back to my family. I'm also very thankful for the opportunity to get away from the daily grind and refocus on what is important. This needs to happen more often.

There was many more fun and interesting details, I'll probably think of over the coming hours. Who knows, maybe I'll add to this or maybe they will go forever unrecorded.

Here's hoping I can get back next year.

Jesse

Almost a year...

Somehow I feel like it's important to not let a blog go an entire year without posting on it. That crosses some type of line where it goes beyond, I've been busy to I don't care about expressing myself at all. But the silence in this space mirrors the difficulty I've had over the past year in knowing and expressing the way I feel about things.

Time has continued picking up speed as it rolls downhill into the future. I have a 5 year old daughter, who is almost ready to turn 6 and will head for first grade in the fall. She has her own opinions about things, is quick to argue for the things that are important to her, and I'm sure she picks up more than I know. I have no idea how we got here.

My wife and I have been married for almost 16 years. We've had ups and downs, like each other most of the time and keep on trying to do life together. It's always a learning experience. I have no idea how we got here.

I've worked at the same company for almost 21 years and keep finding myself in new and challenging circumstances. I've probably never had to deal with more responsibility, and I find that even though I may be temperamentally and experimentally suited for it, I feel less qualified or knowledgeable than ever. I have no idea how I got here.

So the last year has continued to be a stretching time, but I think overall a good time. There have been negative experiences or perspectives, often of my own making.

There have been interactions with family that have been uncomfortable and full of pitfalls, yet there have been strongly positive interactions that make me appreciative of the friendships I have with family. Even that most complicated, challenging, and scary relationship of all has shown slight glimmers here and there of something strangely resembling hope. I don't trust it yet. I still talk myself into a dark place when it seems like it doesn't matter. But if I view positive interactions as building blocks, then I begin to have a little pile to begin to stack together.

One descriptive word that I embrace as applying to me is skeptical.

I view myself as a skeptic when it comes to religion.
I am skeptical when things are going well that it's going to last.
I'm skeptical of nice things said about me as being either a lie or a lightly held idea that will inevitably be swayed by reality.
I'm skeptical of those relationships that I value. The past has reminded me of how fleeting they can be.
I'm skeptical of my own actions. Every day decisions must be made about what is most important. I don't ever want to get to the point where I stop struggling and stop doubting my own choices. That's how you know things are important.

Anyway, I'm not convinced of the efficacy of pseudo-philosophical ramblings. Just a few things that occur to me this morning.

527 Miles and Death's Cold Hands

I wanted to be a long way from here tonight. I wanted to be 527 miles from here. I wanted to be traveling, to be with people I care about and seeing new things with my family. I wanted to help celebrate. I wanted to encourage and approve and be proud. I wanted to be there.

I wanted to be looked for. I wanted to be checked on. I wanted to be invited, to be thanked, to be valued. I wanted to be missed. I wanted to be cared for.

One of my favorite people was recognized tonight. It was an award honoring hard work and perseverance and sterling character. It was earned, and it was exciting,

But instead, I found myself driving to the viewing of an old friend. Someone I've known for a long time. Someone who was quiet and smiley, and friendly. He made me feel like our friendship was important. He was older, but way too young to march into the past. I saw him last week, waved, smiled, visited for a short time at the office. I miss him. I grieve for his family. I hate that he's gone.

And yet in struggling to make sense of relationships, that years of struggle and heartache have brought nary a single element of appreciation, I find that perhaps death is the appropriate experience to mull over.

No matter how much I wish him back, my friend will never show up again to say hi or ask about family. No matter how much I feel like I should have future experiences and chances to interact, that just won't happen. Death's hands are cold. They don't do favors, just because we are earnest or well-meaning.

As I watched a relationship die, I held on to the hope that the future would bring more opportunities, that next time I wouldn't be held as distant and as casual. I refused to let go of the chance that it would change and the relationship would be revived and return to health.

I'm not sure that I've yet given up on those things.

But tonight I know that death is cold. And death of a relationship is cold and hard. Hope becomes a distant idea, and stress and the expectation of sadness and disappointment become the companions I walk with every day.

Congratulations! Condolences! Curses...

Little Things hurt too (Cleanup. From sometime in late January 2014)

A month ago, just after Christmas, a misunderstanding occurred that resulted in one of my favorite people going on at some length that they were opposed to something that we as a family had planned to do. The ranting continued long enough that there was no doubt as to their opposition and in fact had gotten to that awkward point where everyone present was busying themselves in other things and trying to pretend it hadn't happened. We accepted the overwhelming perspective as best we could and departed for home with as much humility as we could muster. And while it would be nice to note that the energetic and dissenting party later apologized or at least addressed the uncomfortable situation, that part never actually happened. Not a word was said or the slightest hint of contrition in regards to the pain that had been caused.

And then a week ago, I posed a question or request of another of my favorite people. The response came quickly and clearly that they were too busy to accommodate the scenario that I had proposed, and there was little point in persisting in the folly that was my continuing efforts. This was painful as well.

After both of these taking place in such a short time and with those people being of such importance to me, this was really tough to take. It felt reminiscent of being depressed and the complete uncertainty about what was going on in people's approach toward me.

To this point, I have not responded to either person for fear that I would say / write something that was far beyond appropriate. But... Life goes on...

Night comes early these days (Cleanup. This is from Thanksgiving 2013)

There's a sadness in my soul. Sometimes amidst the cacophony of life I only want a quiet night to numb myself and ponder the points where existence ceases to match my image of fairness. More often though I find myself seeking numbness in crowds and noise and no matter how hard I look I always find myself at the end, and am only left with regret. Then when the quiet nights come they are full of recrimination and mentally berating myself for such shortsightedness, and ignorance. There is no respite from self-doubt. I cling to doubt in many forms, it is the building block which underlies an open and even charitable view of the world around me. The belief that other points of view share equal validity with my own enables much less harshness when dealing with other people. The counter side of believing in the validity of other people's views is constantly questioning and pondering your own ideas and beliefs.

Then following a particularly cringe-inducing and regret-filled episode, being around the people you care most about is hard. I want so bad to see love and care instead of judgement and ambivalence. It's not hard for me to see that it doesn't matter a great deal how I'm feeling. And since that confirms my expectation that I am extraneous and unimportant to other people, I'm left with wistful, self-loathing regret. The darkness threatens to consume me, yet no one notices that there is anything wrong.

I want to retreat into music, and dimly lit rooms, and look out on those who pass without dealing with relationships or the pain of rejection. "A Rock Feels No Pain, and an Island Never Cries."

Downs and Ups

This has been an interesting time to say the least...

My job carries with it some degree of stress that I live with all the time. I work on a fairly small team We have a fairly aggressive approach to multitasking and project scheduling. There is always too much to do, never enough time to finish a project and many distractions that make focusing on anything for long rather difficult.

Then over the summer, one team member resigned, moving on to something more attractive for him. Someone I really enjoyed working with and valued his expertise and input into the chaos of the environment.

Then a month later my manager resigned. Our relationship hadn't always been easy but I had come to respect his vision and the objective way he set about things.

Then 3 weeks later another team member resigned. I had worked with him for 8+ years and it was tough to see him move on.

2 months, 3 men down from an already small and overwhelmed team.

At this point, I began to wonder if I was the ignorant one for staying put and not seeking a less stressful environment, a more satisfactory job. It was tough to see each of them go. It was hard to contemplate what the coming months would hold and how stressful they would be.

In addition, situations like this, involving rejection, transitions, loss and uncertainty have quite often been extremely hard for me to work through. In fact in some ways I still don't trust my responses or reactions in those settings.

Nevertheless I seem to have managed to maintain a fairly even keel and avoided becoming overly depressed about these difficult events like things that have knocked me for a loop in the past. I can't quite explain it. but I'm grateful for the positive attitude that I've managed to keep through  it all.

Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware of the challenges, stress and incredibly busy months that are ahead, but I'm in a much better headspace than I've been when faced with lesser challenges in the past.

Then today, I got some good news. I won't divulge the nature of it, but it was unexpected and encouraging. I'm glad to be in a place where I can appreciate it instead of in the doldrums. At times like these, I feel like I'm more fortunate than I have any right to be.

I tend to not get carried away with it, but as Thanksgiving day approaches (It's still a couple weeks away, but it's approaching...) I have much to be thankful for.

These aren't deep or inspiring thoughts, but they are where I'm at right now. And I know I'm more positive than I often seem to be. For this I'm grateful.

On loss

When I lose things, especially things that are very important to me, I struggle to adjust to the new reality of no longer having that thing that I valued. I like to think I'm pragmatic, at least sometimes. That adjusting on the fly and coping with new challenges is something I do well. While that may be true in some sense, and in certain situations, I'm finding that it is much more common for me to second guess, worry about and basically struggle to come to grips with loss, particularly when it is the loss of a person or friendship. I second guess what I do and say and if I could have done something different to prevent the loss. I worry that I could have inadvertently hurt or pushed away someone important to me. I guess adjusting to loss is just more of a challenge for me than I expected.

Some of it may be that adjusting to change is something that unsettles and bothers me. I am quick to withdraw and try to convince myself that that change is not hurtful to me, and even if it is, perhaps if I ignore it then it won't hurt as bad. This seems to be the case for changes in structure and responsibilities at work, or changes in relationships with family and friends, or even in the much less important misplacing of talismans or totems (The things I carry in my pocket are very important to me. For years I have carried a stone that reminds me of a time I was happy, and 3 pennies. 1 found under the table when my lovely wife and I decided to stop pursuing fertility treatments, 1 found in the elevator at the hospital when we visited our newborn daughter for the first time, and 1 found the day of the finalization of our daughter's adoption. Carrying these things around may be odd and seem a bit unimportant, but they were important to me. Some of these musings stem from the fact that in the space of a week, I lost all three of the pennies. I still carry the stone. And I hate that I lost the pennies, yet it reminds me that part of life is dealing with loss, so there's that.)

Also when the loss is of a person, whether through death, or relocation, or job-change, or just the ebb and flow of relationships, I find that it is additionally upsetting. I attach a great deal of importance to people and relationships. (I attached importance to the pennies, but not in the same way that I value relationship.) When that loss occurs, I find my thoughts turning inward in two ways. What should I have done differently to prevent the loss from happening or from hurting so much? And what can I do differently in the future to prevent additional losses from happening or hurting? In some ways this is how I'm wired. That's taken a while to understand and still longer to accept. I think that's an important thing to remember and to not try and prevent that introspection and self evaluation, yet getting stuck in that phase doesn't help when you are trying to move on. My second tendency is to pull away from people to prevent someone else from leaving and causing pain. Without doubt this attempt to be "safer" leaves me with fewer close friendships and support systems, and causes more issues in the long run.

I guess from the perspective I occupy right now, one where I see more clearly than sometimes the dangers of responding to loss completely based on my instinct, I see several things to try and improve.1) Allow my natural introspection to register hurt and disappointment without dismissing and ignoring them. 2) Choose to not get stuck in mourning and depending on the way things used to be. 3) Choose to get up and try again, instead of isolating and insulating myself. ("safety" consisting of entirely isolating oneself is sad and lonely)

Of course it's one thing to sit and drink and ponder and say these are areas to improve. It's a different matter entirely to put it into practice when loss cracks your heart they way it inevitably will. To put it into practical terms, I've handled the loss of my pennies pretty well. I know better than to think that the next friendship I lose will be handled so smoothly.

I guess putting simple thoughts together like this, ('cause trust me, I know there's nothing groundbreaking here. Just concepts that most people don't have as much problems working through, that I can't seem to grasp) is helpful to me. I'll be the first to acknowledge that these things have given me, and still give me, a lot of trouble. I'm just hoping that there's still personal growth that can take place despite my poor tendencies.

Summer evening ramblings

It's a quiet summer evening. The air is still. The chirp of insects is easier to hear than the hum of passing cars. Today has been a full day, lots of things accomplished. Overall I feel good at what I was able to get done. I feel good that a large chunk of the day was spent doing things to help other people. I've had a bit of time to myself and was able to just sit and think, something I don't spend enough time doing.

This week had some rough times for me. In trying to be sensitive some of those I love reminded me that their first response to me is to worry about what I will say and do, rather than to worry about how I feel. This saddens me and makes me feel that they don't care about what I really feel and who I really am, only whether my actions cause problems for them. This was pretty difficult. My remarkable wife argued with me consistently and forced me to recognize that this was assigning intent to actions that probably carried none to begin with. While I do accept that and have calmed down, I am still bothered greatly by the lack of understanding or even interest in how I feel.

So in many ways it reminds me that I'm still not fully adjusted to the way "things are" instead of the way things used to be or could be. This adjustment is proving hard and I'm not sure when I'll ever be "ok" with the way things are.

Also this week saw me lose 3 things that are important to me. No one else understands fully, and I still have some thinking to do on that one, but that also points to adjusting and learning to get used to the way things are.

Of course in the positive sense (I guess) the very people who consistently provide the biggest challenge for me to remain confident of their love, acted as if nothing had happened and this afternoon provided a perfectly "normal" interchange. I'm glad it wasn't negative, yet I still struggle with feeling fully accepted and not held at arms length.

There may come a time.... but probably not.

Out of sync

Quite often of late, I have felt completely out of sync with the people around me, in a number of different ways.

• Dealing with difficult family relationships
• Just when it seemed that real improvement and good wholesome interchange was a legitimate part of this particularly difficult relationship, everything returns to distant and disengaged. 
• Sleeping
• When the rest of the world is ready to sleep I'm nowhere close. Some late late nights over the past week.
• Working
• When I'm working, everyone I'd like to hang out with is free. When I'm free, many others are working.
• Having "fun"
• I have found that the ways that I choose to have fun has caused someone else to not have fun. Yet when I willingly curtail what I would like to do to allow them to have fun, the concession isn't noticed.
• Spiritually
• Out of sync to say the least. My skepticism doesn't mesh well with the faith based principles of family, friends, and other acquaintances
• Politically
• likewise. My liberal perspective often causes conflict with the people / family / friends that are around me and important to me.
• Friends
• When a few, important relationships seem distant, my assumption and application of that extends even to those people whom I trust as friends and who have no idea I am assuming they are distancing themselves as well.

But life continues. Out of Sync or not.

Friends, Old and New, to Play with

Today was a busy day getting ready for friends coming over for supper. I spent some time mowing and cleaning up the lawn. Took a short shopping trip with Baby X to get sand for her sandbox. It took a while to locate and purchase the sand, but I did finally come home with enough so her sandbox could be emptied of the nasty remnants of what was in there before. She was able to help me full it with the new sand so that was exciting. We flew kites for a bit this afternoon, and then waited for the arrival of the family of an old friend of ours.

This is a family that has had many challenges and changes over the years, as have we. The parents are some of our oldest friends, and there is a bond between us that is stronger than the surface, gone-at-the-first-hint-of-trouble variety. They understand some of the struggles that I have dealt with and have not rejected me for them. They are encouraging of me and I consider them both close friends.

Their kids are people who Baby X has seen occasionally, but doesn't have a current, ongoing context for a great deal of interaction / friendship.

Due to the (figurative) water that has gone under the bridge for all of us, I am grateful for opportunities to interact. They are some of my oldest friends and some of the best.

Baby X had an absolute blast playing with their children tonight. They played hard, with passion, with kindness and with respect for her  3 year old perspective. The friendship here while not "brand new" still was something that they all had to get used to. They got used to it and by the end of the night, as they were leaving, she was begging them to "please, please come back again."

I don't think it's especially profound, just important to realize, but we need both kinds, and we need to be both kinds.

When we are old friends we have a long term commitment to that friendship. It goes both ways, we trust and are trusted. We are there for our friends and they are there for us.

Yet, if we remain insulated and only interact with the people we have known for a long time, we will inevitably stagnate. We need the influx of new friendship that spur us to do better and help us prepare when something new comes along. Baby X is building memories and friendships that will last and provide the basis for friendships in the coming years.

We should rely on old friendships, prove ourselves worthy of the same reliance, yet not pass up opportunities to form new friendships and offer our friendships to new friends. It's not easy, but this balance helps us maintain the truth of who we are and acknowledges that the future will most likely bring changes and other things that will be out of our control. Regardless of if they are old or new we need and will continue to need friends. And our friends need us and will continue to need us.


Random thoughts

• I am so ready for warm weather
• Watching the streaming coverage of Coachella allows access to all kinds of music. The dubstep / EDM is so easy to zone out to and let the bass carry you along. 
• Looked for the Northern Lights tonight, but didn't see anything of interest.
• The chance to just sit, think, and then ramble on about something is therapeutic.
• My eyelids are heavy, but my mind wants to hang out. Just wish sleep wasn't that important.
• There are some friends who I miss, sometimes painfully much.

Election Day 2012

Election day brings out the best in some people. A sense of community, of civic duty. The idea that we are all part of something and that we succeed or fail collectively. Coworkers and acquaintances encourage each other to go vote, despite having different perspectives. Visiting the polls is celebrated, there is a sense of accomplishment and pride. People who rarely get fired up reveal a sense of passion that you didn't know was there. And the evening is spent watching news pundits rather than the latest reality show or formulaic crime drama.

Election day can also bring out the worst in people. The passion of some is only exceeded by their obtuseness. The partisan disagreements can quickly change a civil discussion about policy into a shouting match of personal attacks. The idea that everyone should share our personal beliefs is easy to fall into, but leads to the dangerous need to convert everyone else's beliefs to match our own. We should be proud of our beliefs and opinions, but it's so easy for that pride to boil over into hostility toward anyone who doesn't share our positions.

As with most things, I believe balance is required to be true to ourselves and yet not alienate the people around us. Be content with knowing what you believe. Don't insist on converting everyone you come in contact with. Understand that people can read, listen, ponder, and deeply consider the same scenario that you see and yet come out at a different place. That doesn't make them idiots. Or uneducated. Or unchristian. It's merely a reminder that we are all different.

By all means discuss. But find ways to do so respectfully. Be ready to explain your positions. But try and give equal time to the other person to explain theirs. Be encouraged that there are other people who take the time to think things through and value their efforts to understand life. Don't dismiss them simply because they see a different perspective.

In closing, it's fair to note the freedom with which elections are held in this country. We are not compelled to support a government candidate at the point of a gun. There is confidence that your vote will be properly counted (despite persistent and troubling reports of sketchy polling place activity). When a winner is declared the losing candidate will graciously stand aside, not organize a coup to ignore the voice of the people. We are fortunate that voting is as placid an experience as it is. Would that our conversation and interactions with other people could reflect the same calmness.

What I've learned in 34 years

Yes, birthday's have a way of making me contemplative. Social Media now provides a means for many distant friends and relatives to wish one well. The ubiquitous nature of cell phones offers the chance to talk to unexpected and distant dear ones. And birthdays bring out the desire to wish one well in a way that isn't quite the same the other 364 days of the year. And I readily admit that I love that. I love receiving birthday wishes and reminders from friends far and near that you matter to them (at least enough to wish happy birthday on Facebook). For someone like me who struggles with feeling connected and close to others with little or no contact, this means a lot. With that fresh in my mind, I sat on the porch tonight with my beverage of choice and some time to myself and asked myself what I've learned. I don't know if these things have any value, or even if they are right, but here are a few things I thought of.

1) Never doubt someone else's pain. We all have things that have brought us sorrow. Far be it from me to compare and believe that my pain is somehow worse than someone else's. The pain that I deal with is far less than many others who I know and respect for their responses. Yet my response must be to the pain I have and the part I have control over is how I respond to my own pain. I despise someone who minimizes my pain, how could I ever minimize the pain that someone else bears.

2) If we are unwilling to reach out to others, why do we expect someone else to reach out to us. When you are aching for the validation that someone else's hug brings, yet you are too self-sufficient to "need" or "want" or "be willing" to hug someone who needs that from you... how self-centered and sad.

3) Sometimes friendship matters more than anything else. Do I spend enough time "being a friend" to other people?

4) Love can be the best thing we can give to the people around us. When we can be quicker to love than to judge, we will be able to reach people in a way that matters to them.

Have I learned anything? Most of those things I may have learned but I struggle to put them into practice with any kind of consistency. In some ways the worth of what we learn is only measured by the amount that we are wiling to change how we act and respond.

I have come so far. I have so very far to go.

Musings on the nature of friendship...

We all need friends. We can all be friends to someone else. Sometimes friendship lives on a surface level, "Hi, How are you?" "Good to see you." etc... This is not a bad thing, indeed it's an important thing in how we relate to other people. Other times friendship can be close, an intimate sharing of what is really important to each other. Who are the friends you reach out to when you need to talk about hurting and struggle and pain? Can you cry with them? These are close friends.

What about when the pain of a lost friendship prevents you from allowing anyone to get to that close level of friendship? It's fair to recognize the changing seasons of relationships and when the hurt is still fresh it's easy to feel like that close level of friendship will never happen again. Can it?

How is the best way to be a friend when you feel like friends have failed you in the past? My first and exceptionally strong impulse is to withdraw, from both close and surface friendships. You can't be hurt if you have no friends. But, then you have no friends, and by withdrawing you effectively cut off your friendship from other people who may need it. Even I can see that withdrawing isn't a great move.

In many ways the last several years have taught me that friendship involves a certain amount of risk, and when it's going well, the benefits outweigh those risks. But when friendship is hard, it feels like the pain and hurt that you risked are much worse than imagined, and it's quite hard to envision making the same "mistake" again.

So... I continue trying to convince myself to make the "mistake" of trusting other people again. Not there yet. but maybe someday.

2012

To think more and talk less. To read more and eat less. To write more and fight less. To focus more on others and less on myself.
Resolutions are hard to keep, yet if we stop trying, it shows that we've stopped caring. Let the next year show that I care.

New Years Resolutions

I don't usually spend a lot of time putting lists of things together that are often hard to actually accomplish. Nonetheless, I am very much in favor of self-improvement and right now, I'm feeling like some self-improvement is quite necessary in my life. Here's a list that may or may not prove helpful. But it will exist. And it will be something to look at and use to check up on myself.

In 2011, I resolve

• ... to be healthier. (Easy to put "lose weight", something I've been able to do in the past (increasingly distant past, but still...) This year I'd like the emphasis to be on feeling and being healthier and to end the year at 30 lbs lighter than I'm entering it.
• ... to read more. 1 book per month that has spiritual relevance. Additional books for fun. (For this to mean less TV time wouldn't be a bad thing at all.)
• ... to spend more time thinking. It's been important for the past year or so to learn to not overthink everything, but as my headspace has improved a lot, I'd like to be able to have enough thoughts to generate a blog post at least once a week. That's really not that hard, but will take some effort.
• ... to guard jealously the first priority of my wife and daughter. I'm grateful that they really are the center of my life right now, and I want to keep it that way throughout the coming year.

Happy New Year to everyone near and far. May the coming year be better than your dreams and the people you meet help you on your journey. We are all on a journey and we need each other.

- Jesse

8/9/10 - My Worst Enemy...

... is myself.

I'm so very well acquainted with self-doubt and uncertainty is my closest companion. My first instinct is good and I know it, yet every situation finds me second-guessing and having a very difficult time trusting that I could possibly be right. I suppose the advantage is that I haven't walked through life making others mad at me - at least I don't think so.

I just don't know

It's been a long journey, and I kinda thought I would be getting there by now. Well I'm not there, and to be fair I'm even less sure where "there" is than I've ever been. I don't know if I've made progress, or slipped backward, or maybe even fallen completely off the map. I'm leaning toward that last one. There have been good times (Every moment with Baby X, late nights with friends and one libation or another, and a few tiny moments where a hug here or there made things seem almost normal.) But there have been a lot of not so good times (struggling to pay the bills, struggling to make sense of the landscape at work, disappointing parents, being ignored by loved ones, and having both of the couples who were our closest friends move to other states)

So right now I just don't know. I don't know if things are better right now or worse. I know we have a beautiful daughter who we'll do anything for. I don't know how much longer our families will stomach my "far-out" take on life. I know that the relationships with siblings has changed. I don't know if there is much room for me in the lives of those siblings who I used to feel close to.

I suppose that the dark days of depression are farther at bay than they have been in a while, but I know also know that my uncertainties need very little to rise up and choke me anew.

I suppose the thing to do is keep on going, even though I don't know where or for how long I can keep going without something changing. Trying to anyway...