8/9/10 - My Worst Enemy...

... is myself.

I'm so very well acquainted with self-doubt and uncertainty is my closest companion. My first instinct is good and I know it, yet every situation finds me second-guessing and having a very difficult time trusting that I could possibly be right. I suppose the advantage is that I haven't walked through life making others mad at me - at least I don't think so.

12/19/2009 - My 10 greatest joys

1. My best friend and wife of 10 years

2. My 7 1/2 month old Daughter

3. Family that accepts me even with oddities

4. Friends that don't judge

5. The power and emotion in good music

6. The sound and smell of the beach

7. A relaxing drink with friends

8. A hot and sunny summer day

9. A fierce and close hug

10. The early morning of a fresh new day.

11/19/2009 - Do you really have to care?

No joke, that came from the random prompt generator.

This is one of the things I've been trying so hard to figure out. There are many things that you can decide not to care about. You can call it being "easygoing", or "laid-back", or just not care. But for me there are certain things that lie at the core of my being that no matter how nice it would be to not care, I'm unable to not care. Maybe it's a philosophical idea like pacifism, or a current day issue like equality, or more often a person who is so closely entwined in my life that no matter what, I will care.

So yeah... you do have to care, at least about some things and some people.

8/28/2009 - If I were going to be stranded on a desert island, what 10 items would I want in my pockets?

(Will try to answer honestly... i.e. no shortwave radios)

1. Sharp knife
2. Rope
3. Photo of family
4. Poncho
5. Compass
6. Machete
7. Axe Head
8. Binoculers
9. Fishhooks
10. Fishing line

12/21/2008 - What is changing in your life right now...

Perceptions, Relationships, Expectations.

Everything.

12/11/2008 - Normal is...

... a word that means the way it usually is.
... something to enjoy when you occasionally experience it.
... the way I wish every day felt.
... how being depressed feels after a while.
... something to escape.
... something to strive for.
... something to be proud of.
... something to be ashamed of.
... what we make it.

12/10/08 - Why Now?

'Cause I have most of the day off, and am trying to get some of my thoughts in order. Who knows... maybe a real update to come...

11/19/2008 - Describe your cooking skills and your favorite thing to cook

My cooking skills are haphazard at best. I find the culinary arts to be relaxing and lots of fun, but I'm not the greatest when it comes to having the finished product match what I intend. I enjoy making stir-fry, but especially breads and desserts. The biggest challenge for my sweetie when I cook, is getting everything cleaned up and the kitchen looking presentable again. Her patience is always greatly appreciated.

11/16/2008 - Write about your favorite pet..

Several years after we were married, we were coming home late one night and ran over a kitten on the main road right around the corner from our house. We didn't hit it. We actually straddled it with the car. As soon as we saw that it was still alive, we stopped, used a blanket to capture the little fellow and took him home with us. For the next two days he did nothing but hiss at us every time we came close to him. I figure that he was in shock. After two days, he started drinking milk, and eventually soft cat-food. We named him Remus and I really enjoyed having a friendly, inquisitive shadow wherever I went. He had his own bed, water and food dish, and cat toys in the garage and was friendly to everyone.

Sometime around a 1 1/2 and 2 years later, we were returning home late one night, and at just about the exact same location on the same road, Remus tried to cross the road ahead of us, and our vehicle became the instrument of his destruction. I returned the next morning, and collected the body and buried it in the far corner of our property. I could still take you to the place.

11/15/2008 - Describe 5 things that you can see right now.

1. My sweetie sleeping peacefully on the couch covered by a quilt made for me by my grandmother years ago.
2. Red and cream colored pillows strewn across the floor. Waiting to be picked up and arranged on the couch again.
3. My backpack, fresh from my all-nighter last night. (I finally got to bed at 1:30 AM, up again at 2:30, worked until 8:00, then caught maybe two hours of sleep before getting around for the rest of the day.
4. Family pictures of people I love more than anything else in the world. The same people that cause me to doubt that I fit in the picture at all.
5. The living room floor. Where we hung out last night until well after midnight, watching youtube clips of Prince, Neil Young, Avenged Sevenfold, Rush, and the Rentals, and talking about life, phlebotomy, friends, and the next couple weeks.

11/14/2008 - One thing you want to change about yourself is...

My negative outlook on life. It gets old being a "glass is mostly empty" kind of person.

11/12/2008 - What age were you most inspired?

When I was 20, I had boundless energy, confidence in my abilities to tackle any obstacle, and the desire to try anything. I was privileged to travel to Central America and loved every moment. I was in love and glad for the reassurance that brought, but the prospect of life spread out in front of me was tantalizing and I was so glad for someone to share it with. I had a high degree of faith in god's leading, and while I recognized that I didn't know all the answers, I wasn't worried about what might happen. I look back now, and wish I had that optimism and inspiration, but I wouldn't trade them for the knowledge and experience life has brought me.

11/9/2008 - What's the most important thing to you?

I feel like what is most important to me has changed over the years, and sometimes I get myself in trouble by trying to balance too many emphases. Here's a few things that have spent time as "most important" to me.

"Living a godly life"
Honoring my forbears
Appearing to be intellectual
Bringing unity to diverse situations
Making my bride and love of my life happy
Prompting others to ask difficult questions.
Living without offending anyone.
Desperately trying not to fuck up relationships

Right now, the closest I can come to describing what is most important to me is...

"Seeking to live in a way that accurately reflects my worldview, but still includes love, acceptance, and support from my loved ones."

(I may have to work on refining that statement though...)



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Now playing: Band of Horses - Is There a Ghost
via FoxyTunes

10/8/2008 - 10 Countries I would love to visit

1. England
2. Peru
3. Spain
4. Italy
5. Portugal
6. Australia
7. Tibet (should be a country)
8. Netherlands
9. Germany
10. Brazil

11/6/2008 - Did you have a bicycle? What was it like?

I had an old, run-down BMX bike, and wore out the road riding back and forth pretending it was a horse. Some parts were red, some were white, and some were blue, but instead of looking patriotic, I think it just looked well-worn. But it was mine, and I remember it fondly.

11/5/2008 - My Heart Sings When...

I'm up early in the morning, driving somewhere with people I love, to do something fun, and I feel like they accept me and are happy to be with me. Something about the open road and people who love you that makes it feel like anything is possible.

11/4/2008 - Did it snow much when you were a child - tell something about it. What did you do?

When I was young we got some snow. Still rather infrequently, I think. I remember enough snow to build snow forts upon occasion. And one time snowdrifts that seemed mountainous. (they were probably 4 ft or so but to my childhood eyes, they looked huge)

11/03/2008 - Do you really have to care?

Well, about some things I suppose.

Caring about the people who are closest to us is important. Caring about leading consistent lives and doing what we can to make the world a better place are admirable things to care about. Politics lends itself to caring deeply, and sometimes in a misplaced manner. It's probably a good idea to care about your chosen career or vocation. Caring about religion gets some people through the day, and caring about money and success motivates others. Caring about other people's perception of us is a dangerous concept, and caring for others who don't seem to return the sentiment can be discouraging. There are lots of things I care about but realize that in the long run they are pretty secondary. Things like sports, movies, books, Coffee, etc...

You can certainly make the choice to "not care", many people have. For me though, if I don't care for people, then all I'm left with are a bunch of things and experiences that matter little if you're alone.

So you don't "really have to care." But it makes life a hell of a lot better.



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Now playing: Band of Horses - Is There a Ghost
via FoxyTunes

11/2/2008 - Find a Quotation that moves you and write it down. Why does it move you?

Help me get down, I can make it,
Help me get down If I only knew the answer
I wouldn't be bothering you, father.

These are lyrics from a song by the Killers. They remind me of how out of control life feels sometimes. There may have been a time when I thought I knew the answers, but not anymore. A situation came up several weeks ago, when I felt like God was moving things into place to answer a prayer and life might make sense. Things didn't fall into place, and life has moved in weirder directions since then. I sat and listened to this song, and struggled to retain what little confidence in a greater plan I still had. Right now life just doesn't really make sense, and I feel like every area of my life means I'm bothering someone, family friends and even God. My heart cries with the ache of what might be. but life demands we go on. So I'll just keep trying, and hoping that someone somewhere cares enough to help.


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Now playing: The Arcade Fire - Intervention
via FoxyTunes

11/1/2008 - What did you accomplish last year

Made it through.
Worked through applying to an adoption agency with my wife, we're now approved, and waiting.
Lost 40 lbs.
Served as a bridegroom in both family weddings this summer.
Registered to Vote.
Raised a pint with an old friend.
Visited Washington DC at the peak of cherry blossom season.
Vacationed in Southern California.