There's a sadness in my soul. Sometimes amidst the cacophony of life I only want a quiet night to numb myself and ponder the points where existence ceases to match my image of fairness. More often though I find myself seeking numbness in crowds and noise and no matter how hard I look I always find myself at the end, and am only left with regret. Then when the quiet nights come they are full of recrimination and mentally berating myself for such shortsightedness, and ignorance. There is no respite from self-doubt. I cling to doubt in many forms, it is the building block which underlies an open and even charitable view of the world around me. The belief that other points of view share equal validity with my own enables much less harshness when dealing with other people. The counter side of believing in the validity of other people's views is constantly questioning and pondering your own ideas and beliefs.
Then following a particularly cringe-inducing and regret-filled episode, being around the people you care most about is hard. I want so bad to see love and care instead of judgement and ambivalence. It's not hard for me to see that it doesn't matter a great deal how I'm feeling. And since that confirms my expectation that I am extraneous and unimportant to other people, I'm left with wistful, self-loathing regret. The darkness threatens to consume me, yet no one notices that there is anything wrong.
I want to retreat into music, and dimly lit rooms, and look out on those who pass without dealing with relationships or the pain of rejection. "A Rock Feels No Pain, and an Island Never Cries."
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