527 Miles and Death's Cold Hands

I wanted to be a long way from here tonight. I wanted to be 527 miles from here. I wanted to be traveling, to be with people I care about and seeing new things with my family. I wanted to help celebrate. I wanted to encourage and approve and be proud. I wanted to be there.

I wanted to be looked for. I wanted to be checked on. I wanted to be invited, to be thanked, to be valued. I wanted to be missed. I wanted to be cared for.

One of my favorite people was recognized tonight. It was an award honoring hard work and perseverance and sterling character. It was earned, and it was exciting,

But instead, I found myself driving to the viewing of an old friend. Someone I've known for a long time. Someone who was quiet and smiley, and friendly. He made me feel like our friendship was important. He was older, but way too young to march into the past. I saw him last week, waved, smiled, visited for a short time at the office. I miss him. I grieve for his family. I hate that he's gone.

And yet in struggling to make sense of relationships, that years of struggle and heartache have brought nary a single element of appreciation, I find that perhaps death is the appropriate experience to mull over.

No matter how much I wish him back, my friend will never show up again to say hi or ask about family. No matter how much I feel like I should have future experiences and chances to interact, that just won't happen. Death's hands are cold. They don't do favors, just because we are earnest or well-meaning.

As I watched a relationship die, I held on to the hope that the future would bring more opportunities, that next time I wouldn't be held as distant and as casual. I refused to let go of the chance that it would change and the relationship would be revived and return to health.

I'm not sure that I've yet given up on those things.

But tonight I know that death is cold. And death of a relationship is cold and hard. Hope becomes a distant idea, and stress and the expectation of sadness and disappointment become the companions I walk with every day.

Congratulations! Condolences! Curses...