Almost a year...

Somehow I feel like it's important to not let a blog go an entire year without posting on it. That crosses some type of line where it goes beyond, I've been busy to I don't care about expressing myself at all. But the silence in this space mirrors the difficulty I've had over the past year in knowing and expressing the way I feel about things.

Time has continued picking up speed as it rolls downhill into the future. I have a 5 year old daughter, who is almost ready to turn 6 and will head for first grade in the fall. She has her own opinions about things, is quick to argue for the things that are important to her, and I'm sure she picks up more than I know. I have no idea how we got here.

My wife and I have been married for almost 16 years. We've had ups and downs, like each other most of the time and keep on trying to do life together. It's always a learning experience. I have no idea how we got here.

I've worked at the same company for almost 21 years and keep finding myself in new and challenging circumstances. I've probably never had to deal with more responsibility, and I find that even though I may be temperamentally and experimentally suited for it, I feel less qualified or knowledgeable than ever. I have no idea how I got here.

So the last year has continued to be a stretching time, but I think overall a good time. There have been negative experiences or perspectives, often of my own making.

There have been interactions with family that have been uncomfortable and full of pitfalls, yet there have been strongly positive interactions that make me appreciative of the friendships I have with family. Even that most complicated, challenging, and scary relationship of all has shown slight glimmers here and there of something strangely resembling hope. I don't trust it yet. I still talk myself into a dark place when it seems like it doesn't matter. But if I view positive interactions as building blocks, then I begin to have a little pile to begin to stack together.

One descriptive word that I embrace as applying to me is skeptical.

I view myself as a skeptic when it comes to religion.
I am skeptical when things are going well that it's going to last.
I'm skeptical of nice things said about me as being either a lie or a lightly held idea that will inevitably be swayed by reality.
I'm skeptical of those relationships that I value. The past has reminded me of how fleeting they can be.
I'm skeptical of my own actions. Every day decisions must be made about what is most important. I don't ever want to get to the point where I stop struggling and stop doubting my own choices. That's how you know things are important.

Anyway, I'm not convinced of the efficacy of pseudo-philosophical ramblings. Just a few things that occur to me this morning.