Demons

The National sing a song called "Demons" The chorus repeats over and over "I stay down with my demons." That seems to be where I am today.

Recently I've had good times. There have been some really encouraging things, some of which I had resigned myself to not enjoying or experiencing. I feel like I've had a general lessening of anxiety over specific things and people. Not nearly as much worrying over small details or feeling held at arms length and struggling to be ok with that. I was able to provide some assistance in tangible and casual ways.

Yet my demons, as always, return to remind me that none of it matters. Trying hard, not trying hard, Casual, Warm, Distant, Pleasant, Pre-occupied, Helpful... none of it ever amounts to anything more than surface acknowledgement and the spare specifics that might lead to tangible usefulness. Even when something is accepted it doesn't generate appreciation. It doesn't matter what I think, say, or do. There is only whatever service I can provide, and then the steel trap of inscrutability snaps shut and nothing changes. So many times I think I'm getting used to it and will be ok with no feedback, then something happens to remind me of the isolation and rejection that this type of relationship brings with it and I realize again that I'm not ok. I stay down with my Demons. It doesn't matter. It doesn't feel good, and it doesn't matter.

In more practical and less morose matters, I was able to go over and take in the Pope's visit to Washington DC. It was a fun trip, not much sleep and a lot of walking and waiting in a crowd. It generated a lot of questions and internal dialogue about how I felt about it.

My current and principally practical perspective embraces the unlikelihood of an involved or personal deity. This seems by far the most likely and least contradictory scenario. And in general that perspective has provided a calmness and reduced anxiety in my perspective toward religion and life in general. I don't spend time envying those who pursue faith or wishing it for myself.

In observing and listening to Pope Francis I am fascinated at the selfless and genuine faith put into action. If I ever rediscover the drive to personally involve myself in the pursuit of faith again it will be because of an approach similar to what I observe in this Pontiff. The consistency of his message and his actions is inspirational. He preaches a gospel of love, and caring for everyone, and then demonstrates it with a willingness to reach out and interact with anyone. I see in him a selflessness and unconditional love that the best traditions of faith apply to Jesus Christ.

I still have mixed feelings about the catholic church in general. There is plenty of repressive, damaging negative to go with the positive of the beautiful rituals. Insofar as the rituals themselves beckon, governed by a heavy-handed and out of touch bureaucracy, I'm not interested. At the point that centuries-old traditions are imbued with fresh meaning and beauty by a leader who demonstrates compassion in a direct and undeniable way, makes me think.

No conversion to report at this time. Yet I've indulged in a lot of pondering about what I think and why I think it.

Trying to Continue... or Continuing to Try

As the saying goes, we all have our demons. This summer has been a tough one for me, struggling to find my way through perceived rejection, times of loneliness, and a sense of abandonment by people I love. It hasn't been easy and I'm not out of the woods yet.

In many different circumstances, I am proud of the way that I keep on trying, even if it is discouraging, painful, or seemingly bereft of value. I don't quit. At times, this has defined me, as someone who refuses to quit, even on lost causes.

Yet this summer, several times, I have felt like there was nothing left to do but quit on relationships. It bothers me that my once indomitable spirit is broken so easily. It bothers me that I considered quitting to be an option, and sometimes felt like it was the only option.

After spending a number of weeks waiting for others to notice my struggle and remind me that our relationship was important to them as well, I decided I couldn't just sit and wait for them. I realized that I needed to give up my "expectation" that love would be shown to me, but be willing to show love to them without expecting it to be returned. This is not a ground-breaking development in relationships, it's one I thought I had learned long ago. But when every interaction seems to point to the futility of even trying, it's easy to forget this most basic aspect of relationships. I feel like I'm in the middle of re-learning how to love someone unselfishly. And often it feels that loving unselfishly merely means showing love without any response or reminders of love. So my struggle to feel accepted has turned into an internal struggle over whether or not I truly show love without strings attached.

Since refocusing on this inner struggle, it has been easier to relate to the people around me, but I still often struggle with feeling included, or loved based on how people treat me.

But it is much better to feel like I'm still trying, instead of just giving up. So the battle with my demons has certainly not been won, but there still is a battle, and that gives me just a glimmer of hope.