12/27/2008 - Chocolate makes me...

... desperately want to snack unhealthily between meals.

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Now playing: The Killers - A Dustland Fairytale
via FoxyTunes

12/22/2008 - Are unexpected gifts better than expected ones? Should we do away with one or the other?

Unexpected gifts are better. But expected gifts have their place. Gifts are good, unexpected or not.

12/21/2008 - What is changing in your life right now...

Perceptions, Relationships, Expectations.

Everything.

12/21/2008 - Days events

The past week has been full. It's been a roller-coaster emotionally, some real down times, but some good times thrown in. Last night a group of my cousins got together for dinner and an evening of fun. Time spent with them is therapeutic for me, and I thoroughly enjoy times like last night. I find myself unconditionally accepted to a greater extent than even some more immediate family interactions. I'm so grateful for the wonderful people who make up my extended family. They are profoundly important to me.

As we move into the last few days before Christmas it is very tempting to get caught up in the pursuit of possessions, turning life into some kind of contest. It is good for me to be reminded that experiences like the family time yesterday are far more important to me than any stuff that can be bought or sold.

Today is another busy day, teaching Sunday School this morning. (rather nervous about that) Lunch at Grandpa's, Steelers game in the afternoon, then the Church Christmas program will be held this evening.

Merry Manic Christmas Season to all

12/16/2008 - What was your favorite childhood toy?

Short of admitting that one of my favorite toys was a Raggady Ann doll, I'm not sure what to say. Don't have too many memories of playing with toys when I was growing up. Spent more time wandering around outside. From the more masculine side of things, I was never very far from my baseball mitt as a teen.

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Now playing: R.E.M. - Everybody Hurts
via FoxyTunes

12/11/2008 - Normal is...

... a word that means the way it usually is.
... something to enjoy when you occasionally experience it.
... the way I wish every day felt.
... how being depressed feels after a while.
... something to escape.
... something to strive for.
... something to be proud of.
... something to be ashamed of.
... what we make it.

12/10/2008 - Day's (first in a month) events

Well, it's been a long couple of weeks. Some of the things that have occupied my attention over that time.
- A Dinner Party for close friends
- Week of revival meetings at our church
- Dinner at an Indian restaurant in honor of wonderful SIL the first.
- A week of vacation
- Guests at our house over Thanksgiving
- Birthday party for SIL at her parents house
- Lunch with entire family on day before Thanksgiving
- Able to help with transportation for and spend time with wonderful SIL the second
- Thanksgiving dinner that had its anxious moments
- Supper and Games with my family
- Black Friday shopping with lovely wife and wonderful SILs
- Party with BIL/SIL and friends while they are home from College
- Thanksgiving meal with extended family, somewhat subdued experience
- Week of working way too much. (66 hours for the week)
- Accepted responsibility for some of the administrative tasks in our church.
- Supper and Long discussions with an old friend
- Movies / Shopping with lovely wife and wonderful SIL the second
- Setting up the Christmas tree with lovely Wife and both wonderful SILs
- Calling an old friend on his birthday
- Another day off to try and recover from the loooong week at work.

So that brings us to today. More has gone into each of those things than I can recount here. Overall, life has been more positive than sometimes. Thanksgiving brought some busy times, but there was a lot of good family interaction. Wouldn't trade that for anything. There's been bad things, like working too much, but they've usually been balanced by good things too.

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Now playing: The Killers - Neon Tiger
via FoxyTunes

12/10/08 - Why Now?

'Cause I have most of the day off, and am trying to get some of my thoughts in order. Who knows... maybe a real update to come...

11/24/2008 - Do we live in a throw-away society? Explain...

Without any doubt. Disposable everything. Relationships that aren't begun with the expectation that they'll last.

But I have hopes that it's getting better than it used to be. It's not unusual when I make my monthly trip to the recycle bins to find them full to the brim. That tells me that the state, or whoever takes care of those things, has a hard time keeping up with the amount of donations that the public are bringing in. That's a good thing. There's a long way to go though.

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Now playing: The Killers - Human
via FoxyTunes

11/22/2008 - Right now, I feel...

Cautiously optimistic. Tired. Worried about the next couple days. Doubtful that things will really be ok. Anxious for reminders that people care.

11/19/2008 - Describe your cooking skills and your favorite thing to cook

My cooking skills are haphazard at best. I find the culinary arts to be relaxing and lots of fun, but I'm not the greatest when it comes to having the finished product match what I intend. I enjoy making stir-fry, but especially breads and desserts. The biggest challenge for my sweetie when I cook, is getting everything cleaned up and the kitchen looking presentable again. Her patience is always greatly appreciated.

11/17/2008 - My favorite ________ right now is...

My favorite Band right now is The Killers.
My favorite Football team right now is Manchester United.
My favorite NFL team right now is the Pittsburgh Steelers.
My favorite Election result right now is Obama 08.
My favorite Feeling right now is acceptance by family.
My favorite Drink right now is a cold Becks Dark.
My favorite TV Show right now is Arrested Development.
My favorite Activity right now is snuggling with my honey.

11/17/2008 - Is true change possible if someone resists?

Sometimes when we resist the changes that come in life, we end up changing despite our best efforts. If we resist the change though, usually the change doesn't end up the way we want. So maybe the best thing is to just embrace it and try to make the best of all the changes of life.

I wish it was that easy.

11/16/2008 - Write about your favorite pet..

Several years after we were married, we were coming home late one night and ran over a kitten on the main road right around the corner from our house. We didn't hit it. We actually straddled it with the car. As soon as we saw that it was still alive, we stopped, used a blanket to capture the little fellow and took him home with us. For the next two days he did nothing but hiss at us every time we came close to him. I figure that he was in shock. After two days, he started drinking milk, and eventually soft cat-food. We named him Remus and I really enjoyed having a friendly, inquisitive shadow wherever I went. He had his own bed, water and food dish, and cat toys in the garage and was friendly to everyone.

Sometime around a 1 1/2 and 2 years later, we were returning home late one night, and at just about the exact same location on the same road, Remus tried to cross the road ahead of us, and our vehicle became the instrument of his destruction. I returned the next morning, and collected the body and buried it in the far corner of our property. I could still take you to the place.

11/15/2008 - Describe 5 things that you can see right now.

1. My sweetie sleeping peacefully on the couch covered by a quilt made for me by my grandmother years ago.
2. Red and cream colored pillows strewn across the floor. Waiting to be picked up and arranged on the couch again.
3. My backpack, fresh from my all-nighter last night. (I finally got to bed at 1:30 AM, up again at 2:30, worked until 8:00, then caught maybe two hours of sleep before getting around for the rest of the day.
4. Family pictures of people I love more than anything else in the world. The same people that cause me to doubt that I fit in the picture at all.
5. The living room floor. Where we hung out last night until well after midnight, watching youtube clips of Prince, Neil Young, Avenged Sevenfold, Rush, and the Rentals, and talking about life, phlebotomy, friends, and the next couple weeks.

11/14/2008 - One thing you want to change about yourself is...

My negative outlook on life. It gets old being a "glass is mostly empty" kind of person.

11/13/2008 - What was your favorite childhood cartoon?

We didn't have TV when I was a kid, so I never watched cartoons regularly. The one cartoon that I always enjoyed was Tom and Jerry. 'Course we didn't get a regular paper either so I didn't have a favorite cartoon strip either. Closest thing to that would probably be Calvin and Hobbes.

11/12/2008 - What age were you most inspired?

When I was 20, I had boundless energy, confidence in my abilities to tackle any obstacle, and the desire to try anything. I was privileged to travel to Central America and loved every moment. I was in love and glad for the reassurance that brought, but the prospect of life spread out in front of me was tantalizing and I was so glad for someone to share it with. I had a high degree of faith in god's leading, and while I recognized that I didn't know all the answers, I wasn't worried about what might happen. I look back now, and wish I had that optimism and inspiration, but I wouldn't trade them for the knowledge and experience life has brought me.

11/12/2008 - Day's events

The last few days have been busy. Sunday, I attended church in the morning, than lunch with my sweet one's parents and Brother / Sister in Law. Watched the Steelers lose in the afternoon, then spent the evening at my sweet one's Grandmother's house. The family gets together there once a month and it is usually a fun time to be together. Smaller than usual this time, and that makes it seem a little less daunting.

Spent Monday morning working from home. I enjoy that so much more than being at the office. Monday afternoon, took a major first step in trying to cope with my own inner demons. To find out more, you'll have to ask me.

Tuesday was back to work. Came home early to see the little boy who spends Tuesdays and Thursdays in the charge of my sweet one. He was just up from his nap and we read some books, and made believe we were boating in the basement. Supper was with my Grandparents and family. Then home for the rest of the evening.

Bumped into something online mentioning the beginning of a mennonite church in the Elkton, MD / Newark DE area. (Just over an hour north of us) It is a church plant under MCUSA, and their approach seems to be fresh and more flexible than any of the churches in our area. I have just a few hints of excitement to see that flexible approach to church in action. (I'm not sure it's close enough to attend there, but I'm seriously contemplating going to the installation service this Sunday. We'll have to see.

11/11/2008 - This year you are going to...

... try and hang on until it's done. It hasn't been an easy year. I've struggled with doubt and despair more than I ever thought I would. The vast majority of the people around me either don't know, or don't care, but especially are not able to relate. So I'll try and make it through the last month or so. Then what... who knows?

11/10/2008 - Describe a perfect spring day and activities on that day.

The sky is a deep shade of blue with wispy white clouds scudding across the horizon. The smell of fresh cut grass permeates the air. The crackly sound of Paul Harvey on AM radio filters out from the kitchen, and mingles with the joyful cries of children rushing around in excitement. The family van is loaded and will soon depart for the beach. An afternoon of bobbing in the waves winds up with a stop at Dairy Queen and the ever-yearned-for Chocolate Dipped ice cream cone.

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Now playing: My Chemical Romance - I'm Not Okay (I Promise)
via FoxyTunes

11/9/2008 - What's the most important thing to you?

I feel like what is most important to me has changed over the years, and sometimes I get myself in trouble by trying to balance too many emphases. Here's a few things that have spent time as "most important" to me.

"Living a godly life"
Honoring my forbears
Appearing to be intellectual
Bringing unity to diverse situations
Making my bride and love of my life happy
Prompting others to ask difficult questions.
Living without offending anyone.
Desperately trying not to fuck up relationships

Right now, the closest I can come to describing what is most important to me is...

"Seeking to live in a way that accurately reflects my worldview, but still includes love, acceptance, and support from my loved ones."

(I may have to work on refining that statement though...)



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Now playing: Band of Horses - Is There a Ghost
via FoxyTunes

10/8/2008 - 10 Countries I would love to visit

1. England
2. Peru
3. Spain
4. Italy
5. Portugal
6. Australia
7. Tibet (should be a country)
8. Netherlands
9. Germany
10. Brazil

11/8/2008 - Day's events

Today was a busy Saturday. Got up and watched Manchester United go down to a 2-1 defeat to Arsenal. Then headed for the wedding of friends of ours. Was asked to sing in a quartet and despite being pretty nervous about it, I was glad it went pretty well. Then in the evening, we attended a spanish church service with the rest of my family, and sang there as well. I'm not really thrilled about all the singing, but I was glad to do it for the happy couple, and I was impressed with my dad, and how much he enjoys that particular group of people.

11/6/2008 - Did you have a bicycle? What was it like?

I had an old, run-down BMX bike, and wore out the road riding back and forth pretending it was a horse. Some parts were red, some were white, and some were blue, but instead of looking patriotic, I think it just looked well-worn. But it was mine, and I remember it fondly.

11/5/2008 - Day's events

Long, slow, tired day at work. Had lunch with my grandfather, father, and brothers. Came home and was able to play with the boys for a while. Ate supper, then my family came over to prepare to sing on Saturday. Spent some time visiting with them, and am heading for bed soon.

11/5/2008 - Day's events

Long day today. Worked, ate lunch with my darling and a friend. And was able to spend a relaxing evening at home. I'm tired tonight. And morning comes early.

11/5/2008 - My Heart Sings When...

I'm up early in the morning, driving somewhere with people I love, to do something fun, and I feel like they accept me and are happy to be with me. Something about the open road and people who love you that makes it feel like anything is possible.

11/4/2008 - Did it snow much when you were a child - tell something about it. What did you do?

When I was young we got some snow. Still rather infrequently, I think. I remember enough snow to build snow forts upon occasion. And one time snowdrifts that seemed mountainous. (they were probably 4 ft or so but to my childhood eyes, they looked huge)

11/4/2008 - Day's events

Election day dawned early for me. I started the new work schedule and got to the office at 5:30 AM. It makes for a long day, but I was able to leave sooner than usual. Left work and participated in the General Election for the first time in my life. I was glad to vote with knowledge on every race that pertained to me. Attended a Wycliffe Associates banquet for the evening meal. Raced home and spent the rest of the evening glued to the election returns.

A few of my thoughts...


The Good:

A new president
A new direction for the country, and the enthusiastic celebration on display
Democratic gains in House and Senate Seats
Sen. McCain's gracious concession speech
A President Elect who is ready to step forward to meet the challenges that wait
Several initiatives easing marijuana restrictions passed


The Bad:

In at least 4 states, homophobic ballot initiatives appear to have passed
Democrats fall just short of a filibuster proof margin in the Senate.


The Ugly:

Nastiness from crowd during McCain's concession speech
Ted Stevens coming close to retaining his senate seat

I'm happy the nasty part of the campaign is over. I'm impressed with Mr. Obama's enthusiasm and leadership potential. I'm glad that many people seem to grasp the hope and endless possibilities that lie just around the corner. This election seems like just that - turning a corner. The future is bright, and the next government should easily be an improvement on the last 8 years.

11/3/2008 - Day's events

We returned home from Ohio late last night, and this morning I started a new work schedule. One day each week, I'll work for 4 hours from home, then the remaining 4 days will be 9 hour days at the office. I took today as the half day from home. That helped alleviate the exhaustion of a short night. (Bearing in mind that with the Steelers playing tonight, it's not like I'm going to bed early)

So I got up this morning, finished cleaning out the van, hit the gas station for $2.05 / gallon, and returned it to Mom and Dad's. I put in 4 hours from my basement office, had a nice visit with an old friend who stopped by, and took the trash and recycle to their appropriate destinations. My darling wife surprised me with french toast for breakfast, and Rice and Beans for lunch. This evening, before the game, I'll practice singing in a quartet for an upcoming wedding, then Monday night Football. Go Steelers!!!!

11/03/2008 - Do you really have to care?

Well, about some things I suppose.

Caring about the people who are closest to us is important. Caring about leading consistent lives and doing what we can to make the world a better place are admirable things to care about. Politics lends itself to caring deeply, and sometimes in a misplaced manner. It's probably a good idea to care about your chosen career or vocation. Caring about religion gets some people through the day, and caring about money and success motivates others. Caring about other people's perception of us is a dangerous concept, and caring for others who don't seem to return the sentiment can be discouraging. There are lots of things I care about but realize that in the long run they are pretty secondary. Things like sports, movies, books, Coffee, etc...

You can certainly make the choice to "not care", many people have. For me though, if I don't care for people, then all I'm left with are a bunch of things and experiences that matter little if you're alone.

So you don't "really have to care." But it makes life a hell of a lot better.



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Now playing: Band of Horses - Is There a Ghost
via FoxyTunes

11/2/2008 - Day's events

Slept in this morning, finally got up and around to church at 10:15. Visiting a friends church, one that has a reputation for appealing to young people and families. Lot's of energy and activity and programs. Meaningful worship and a youngish with-it pastor. Lots of things to recommend it for people who are seeking a more relevant church home.

Except....

Message this morning was entitled "Letters to a New President" and was almost pure regurgitation of standard evangelical talking points. It was the single most offensive sermon I have heard in person. His main points, with a short summary and my response.

1) Belief in a Sovereign God.
United States was founded with Christian principles guiding the founders, and functions best today if operating by Judeo-Christian principles.

Uh. No. Founding was done by a bunch of theists who didn't agree on everything but did feel that freedom to practice any religion was important to preserve. Their stance was that government should be separate from religion. To suggest that they intended government to be run by any specific religion is to invalidate their overall approach to freedom.

2) Marraige and Family Values
It's perverted for homosexual, lesbian, or gay people to love each other. Allowing gay marriage will destroy the very fabric of society.

Uh, love is love. Why is it a good thing for the government to get involved with telling who we can and can't love. Instead let's look for ways to encourage healthy relationships, loving families, and commitments that can make our society stronger. Isn't that better than demonizing people just because they see things differently than us.

3) Sanctity of Human Life
49 million abortions since Roe v. Wade. exponentially more than all the deaths by americans in war. This proves that abortion is the greatest moral threat of all time and must be countered at all cost.

Uh. While I am no fan of abortion and what it represents, I do recognize it as a choice that comes into play, particularly when the mother is poor and downtrodden to the point that she doesn't have any other recourse. I don't think the government should outlaw it. Rather they should do everything in their power to minimize abortion make it possible and advantageous for the mother to choose life.

4) Personal Responsibility
People shouldn't approach life with an entitlement attitude, and should instead focus on earning what they get. Free handouts only encourage people's sloth and greediness.

Uh, besides being the very antithesis of Jesus's work on earth, I find that this idea of Personal Responsibility is used most often as a way for the conservative, and especially the religious, crowd to absolve themselves from any responsibility in helping people. People want to help, but only on their terms. They want to only help people they deem worthy of receiving that help. This whole aspect of judging people and interacting only based on our morals or value judgements is odious to me.

The input from the pulpit was to pray (fine with that) and vote according to those four criteria (A little too formulaic for my tastes.)

So I sat and smiled, and carefully avoided indicating approval, or as is actually the case, massive disapproval of what was shared. In the same way that I don't want to accept political positions just because the powers that be say so, I recognize that it would be pretty self involved to expect every church to come out exactly where I do.

I respect each person's ability to decide for themselves. But not so much my idea of a good time this morning...

We left for home after lunch and are now on our way home. It's been a good weekend all around.


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Now playing: Coldplay - Politik
via FoxyTunes

11/2/2008 - Find a Quotation that moves you and write it down. Why does it move you?

Help me get down, I can make it,
Help me get down If I only knew the answer
I wouldn't be bothering you, father.

These are lyrics from a song by the Killers. They remind me of how out of control life feels sometimes. There may have been a time when I thought I knew the answers, but not anymore. A situation came up several weeks ago, when I felt like God was moving things into place to answer a prayer and life might make sense. Things didn't fall into place, and life has moved in weirder directions since then. I sat and listened to this song, and struggled to retain what little confidence in a greater plan I still had. Right now life just doesn't really make sense, and I feel like every area of my life means I'm bothering someone, family friends and even God. My heart cries with the ache of what might be. but life demands we go on. So I'll just keep trying, and hoping that someone somewhere cares enough to help.


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Now playing: The Arcade Fire - Intervention
via FoxyTunes

11/1/2008 - Day's events

So I thought I'd also try to use the blogosphere to keep track of a few of my thoughts on the events of each day. We'll see how it goes. Today was a Saturday, spent in Ohio with our family. We headed out mid-morning, and after stopping at Java Jo's, Heini's, and the AAA office in Cleveland, we found ourselves at the Rock & Roll hall of fame and museum. The next number of hours was spent wandering the exhibit halls, watching various interviews and videos, and listening to a lot of music. It was an enjoyable though tiring day, and I thoroughly enjoyed being immersed in the music culture.

High points...
John Lennon's handwritten lyrics for Beautiful Boy and In My Life
Introducing someone to Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah
John Lennon and Bob Marley's signatures on the same wall panel
Being acquainted with 80% of the music I heard.

We ate supper at Max and Erma's in Canton. and had a good time together.
Ended up back at our host's house, and people wound down for the evening.

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Now playing: The Airborne Toxic Event - Sometime Around Midnight
via FoxyTunes

11/1/2008 - What did you accomplish last year

Made it through.
Worked through applying to an adoption agency with my wife, we're now approved, and waiting.
Lost 40 lbs.
Served as a bridegroom in both family weddings this summer.
Registered to Vote.
Raised a pint with an old friend.
Visited Washington DC at the peak of cherry blossom season.
Vacationed in Southern California.

10/31/2008 - List five things you want

1. Acceptance
2. Respect
3. Peace of mind
4. Love
5. A Child


1. Acceptance has been a real issue for me lately. Watching and wondering if people realize the message their ambivalence sends. I want to be overwhelmed with peoples acceptance.

2. Other people respecting who I am. Respecting my opinions and viewpoint. Respecting my feelings

3. I want to have the peace of mind that allows me to savor the ordinary and bask in the wonderfulness of the mundane. I want to see every day as a gift, and enjoy every relationship as precious.

4. Love can be shown in so many different ways, and while the fact that I am loved may be true, I want every indication otherwise to be blown away in affection from friends and family.

5. My wife and I have enjoyed a wonderful marriage for nearly ten years. I do not want for companionship or partnership with her. We have long wanted children and years of fertility treatments, have yielded no fruit. As I write we are on the waiting list to be chosen as adoptive parents. The waiting time is increasing, and it is hard to remain eager all the time, but I recognize that desire for a child in my heart. For myself and for my wife.

A New Thing

So I feel the need for more internal dialogue, and blogging is an obvious outlet, one that I've approached cautiously at various times over the years.

Stumble-upon, that great bane of productive Internet time, presented me with an interesting tool, I think it's called an Imagination Prompt Generator. (basically you click the button and it presents you with an idea or question to answer or write about.) If it was new years, I would say I'll try to respond to this as a resolution. But I don't want to wait until new years, so I'll start now.

One click per day. Write about whatever comes up. Even if it's to put "I don't Know"

We'll see how it goes.

Watch this space.

Election Fatigue

The election is mere days away. Both candidates are dashing through swing states, repeating their stump speeches and talking points ad nauseum as the election cycle winds down. While the debate may rage as to who ran the "dirtier" campaign, there has been a palpable undercurrent of nasty smears running throughout the political interchange this fall.

I love politics. The pageantry, the posturing, the idealistic speeches that over-commit, all for the sake of specific voting blocs. But I don't like this aspect of American politics. It seems that neither the candidates, nor their spokespeople, nor even our friends and neighbors can interact with this dialogue and maintain their civility to each other.

It is ok for people to hold differing views. So often, those opposing views are held by people who have thought long and hard about them. People have weighed where they stand and developed a view of the world and a view of issues that works for them. This is not wrong. These are not ignorant simpletons who must be chastised and brought to task because their opinions don't match our own. These are our friends, and often our family. They happen to see things differently than we do, but that's ok.

So what I'm trying to say is that I don't think there is empirical evidence that the Democrats are better people, or the Republicans are God's party, or the Independents and people boycotting the election are the only ones who really get it. It is better to walk arm in arm with our fellow travelers than it is to spend our time beating each other down. Recognizing companionship doesn't mean we have to share the same opinions or politics, but it seems to me that a certain amount of respect and acceptance of our differences is in order.

I'm ready for this election to be over. But I wish we would learn how to better love each other despite our differences.

Trying to Continue... or Continuing to Try

As the saying goes, we all have our demons. This summer has been a tough one for me, struggling to find my way through perceived rejection, times of loneliness, and a sense of abandonment by people I love. It hasn't been easy and I'm not out of the woods yet.

In many different circumstances, I am proud of the way that I keep on trying, even if it is discouraging, painful, or seemingly bereft of value. I don't quit. At times, this has defined me, as someone who refuses to quit, even on lost causes.

Yet this summer, several times, I have felt like there was nothing left to do but quit on relationships. It bothers me that my once indomitable spirit is broken so easily. It bothers me that I considered quitting to be an option, and sometimes felt like it was the only option.

After spending a number of weeks waiting for others to notice my struggle and remind me that our relationship was important to them as well, I decided I couldn't just sit and wait for them. I realized that I needed to give up my "expectation" that love would be shown to me, but be willing to show love to them without expecting it to be returned. This is not a ground-breaking development in relationships, it's one I thought I had learned long ago. But when every interaction seems to point to the futility of even trying, it's easy to forget this most basic aspect of relationships. I feel like I'm in the middle of re-learning how to love someone unselfishly. And often it feels that loving unselfishly merely means showing love without any response or reminders of love. So my struggle to feel accepted has turned into an internal struggle over whether or not I truly show love without strings attached.

Since refocusing on this inner struggle, it has been easier to relate to the people around me, but I still often struggle with feeling included, or loved based on how people treat me.

But it is much better to feel like I'm still trying, instead of just giving up. So the battle with my demons has certainly not been won, but there still is a battle, and that gives me just a glimmer of hope.

Pain in the midst of beauty

Today is a beautiful day. The sky is deep blue, undisturbed by clouds. It's warm and sunshiny, and just gives you the urge to go for a walk. It's a perfect day.

But perfect days often hide pain that is pretty deep seated.

It's easy to superficially revel in the insignificant details like weather, sports, and whatever is going on. It's a lot harder to take the time and trouble to actually find out how someone else is doing. Time because it means doing things you don't really want to do, and trouble because it means listening to someone else talk about their struggles and what is going well or ill in their life. Most people choose the easier way out and leave any kind of heart to heart talking to other people, or trained counselors, or no one.

For me, that re-enforces the idea that everyone is too busy to take the time, or doesn't care enough to invest in that way. That's a little discouraging.

So we'll talk about the weather and how beautiful the day is.

And most everyone will be happy.

The masquerade

I am intrigued by the trouble people endure in order to hide from what is real. This often pops up when groups of people are together. There is a certain expected level of conduct or speech or ideas, and most people go to great lengths to ensure that their comments and actions fall within that expected range. If people act or say things outside of those boundaries, the tendency is for them to be ostracized, often subconsciously. They will probably find themselves pushed to the margins and left sitting by themselves instead of actively engaged in discourse with others. I know that when I was the one concerned with meeting that accepted level of action, it felt like it was only natural and right to do that. I think the masquerade is so effective that you don't even know you are participating in it. Since I've abandoned, at least partially, that game, I know what it's like to be the outsider, to be marginalized and omitted from discussions and activity. It doesn't make me proud of myself for the past or proud of my friends.

In that context when you find someone willing to acknowledge the messiness of the real, you value it. The willingness to engage people and reality where they are, shows a heart that is more concerned with the people involved than with the level of action. I want to be more like that.

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Now playing: Thriving Ivory - Day of Rain
via FoxyTunes

Thoughts on affection

Affection expressed means a lot to me. They are little reminders of love and care. When that is absent, I fend it exceedingly hard to believe that people still care. Harder still is when I see others who enjoy the reminders that I so desperately desire. I question whether I belong. I question whether people still care. I question my feelings, and every question yields more sorrow. There's not much else to do but just go on, and let what happens happen. But the yearning in my soul for people's consistant affection grows and grows, and the ache of loneliness get's harder and harder to ignore.

But people are happy, families are close. It's just me that falls outside the lines somewhere.

Almost did it today...

I roller blade to work. It's a small town setting, roads are mostly ok for biking and blading (Except for the never-ending road construction that always threatens to make me fall) I take my time, don't push too hard, and cover the two plus miles in 15 minutes or so. There are several small hills (very small - my state is exceptionally flat) where I can skate a little faster. I like to coast down those rises, glorying in the burst of speed.
This morning there was no coasting. I pushed as hard as I could, eked as much speed out of my skates as possible. And I almost did it. I almost left behind my regrets, me anxiety, me struggle to feel loved, and my fear of disappointing those I love. For a few meters I think I outran them, and the world was good.

Then they caught up.
Like they always do.
And life goes on.

Jesse



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Now playing: The Killers - All These Things That I've Done
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Our trip to OH

My SweetOne and I headed out on Thursday for a trip to visit family in PA and OH. First to Monroeville, a suburb to the east of Pittsburgh. We spent some time that evening with my Grandparents, then were back the next morning for breakfast with them at Kings restaurant. After breakfast there were a few things that we were able to help with around the house - cleaning, tightening the table, cleaning, organizing and some more cleaning. Probably not our favorite activity for vacation, but we were glad to help out with it. Early afternoon saw us hitting the road for the next leg of the journey, this time to Plain City OH. We were able to eat at the Der with her Grandparents, and spend a little time visiting with them. That night we stayed at the house of a cousin of my dad. This cousin and his wife were in Europe, but were gracious enough to let us stay there anyway. After a good night's sleep, we headed for Cedarville to meet up with BIL Lemmer. We ate breakfast at a terrific little place called the Sunrise Cafe in a local town called Yellow Springs. Absolutely excellent food and just a stellar atmosphere and attitude. Totally the best. Spent the next several hours wandering the streets of Yellow Springs, browsing, shopping, just enjoying being together. Purchases included a Dr Seuss book in Latin, an earthy pendant and bumper sticker, Incense, and a bag ofLoose Leaf Yerba Mate. Totally chillin' place to be. Headed back to the college and toured the campus for a while. Very impressive. Took a few hours and visited a local natural phenomenon, the Clifton Gorge. Spent some time just talking and hanging out before heading to church in Springfield. The service was simple, the people were real, and it was an encouragement to me. After church a group of students met at a former professor's house for a presentation by the professor and some spirited discussion. He spoke on Nationalism and the discussion lasted longer than we wanted to be there, so around 10:30 at night, SweetOne and I hit the road and decided to head for home. We made it to DE around 6:45 on Sunday morning and collapsed into bed. 1200 miles in 3 days. Caught up with some important people, and enjoyed the experiences that either made us feel young and spirited (visiting with 80+ grandparents) or old and foolish (visiting with college kids) or maybe still just a little young and foolish (driving all night to get home) It was a fabulous and enjoyable time. I won't trade those memories for anything. Thanks SweetOne and Lemmer.

Jesse



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Now playing: Live - Lighting Crashes
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DC in springtime

Spent the day in Washington DC yesterday. Started at the Library of Congress, where we registered for Library cards which allows you to do research there at the Library. Beautiful building, you could almost call it a temple built to knowledge.
Then the long walk down the mall through a seething mass of humanity. This weekend was the beginning of the Cherry Blossom festival, and downtown DC was packed. The mall was brimming with families, tourists, people of all sorts. Looking down toward the monument, the air was full with a swarm of kites. Big, little, huge, flown by kids, adults. It was quite an experience to meander through the thousands that were gathered there, dodging kite strings and trying to avoid running into anyone. It's also awesome to rub shoulders with all the different cultures that come to DC for the tourist experience. I think you can hear more languages in a short amount of time in downtown DC than about anywhere.
I have some other thoughts on the WW2 memorial, and may post them later, but not now.
From WW2 we walked around the tidal basin, enjoying the gorgeous cherry blossoms on a lovely afternoon. Short stop off at the FDR memorial, which I highly recommend. A quote that stood out to me was in reference to the poor.

The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much it is whether we provide enough for those who have little. "

If the country, nay even if the citizens of the country, operated according to that principle, so many things would be different.
We spent a little time sitting at the Jefferson Memorial and watched a presentation by a Bollywood dance school. Very beautiful and exotic. After another long walk, (The nearest metro station was paralyzed with the crush of commuters) we were finally able to get a train to Union Station for supper and some shopping, then headed home.
An amazingly fun day, although pretty tiring. By our estimation we walked around 5 miles, and our legs could feel it by the end of the day. The cherry trees were pretty and the company was indomitable. Thanks Sweetheart, Beebs, Prudence, and Chente. You made the day fun.


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Now playing: Linkin Park - Hands Held High
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Hello All...

I've blogged before, although not terribly regularly, but I wanted to start a new one as a place to throw out random thoughts as needed. I think I'll try to keep updates to whatever is on my mind, rather than trying to develop long and arduous arguments, (which are fun, but hard to get started on.)

So... Read on if you like. And let me know what you think.

Jesse

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Now playing: Radiohead - Karma Police
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