New Years

Last year seems to have passed without any posts from me on this site, either extolling the virtues of something or complaining about something else. I easily shift away from documenting my self-reflection, and I think that's what the past year of absence from this forum has proven.


So Jan 1, 2017 is tomorrow. It's a good time to reflect about the past year what I hope for the coming year. So, here goes... (And maybe I'll see if I can update more often in the new year)


I'm probably aware of 2016's losses in a more keen way than what any other aspect of the year stands out. First in those people who passed on: Prince, David Bowie, Elie Weisel, Mohammad Ali, Johan Cruyff, Umberto Eco, Gwen Ifill, Fidel Castro Leonard Cohen, Carrie Fischer. These are only a few, but these are people who impacted me at some point in my life, or continue to impact me. Combine that seeming onslaught of prominent people passing with the monumentally disgusting loss to Donald Trump that took place in November, 2016 as a year, was not a great one. (I'm not yet able to think clearly or constructively about our President Elect. Maybe sometime, but not yet.) I've also dealt with the loss of a major set of relationships associated with a contract at work. Again I recognize that as a loss, but I'm not sure that I have dealt with it in a way that is helpful  yet.


So as I consider a year with a number of losses in it, I look forward to a new year with trepidation. I want it to be better. I want to make better choices. I want to do better when it comes to family and to friends. But I also worry about the mathematical result of progress and that it means loss in the future as well. What I'm saying is that 2016 won't be the last year I experience loss. I'd love for that to be the case, but reality remains in play.


So anyway, I purpose to live life in 2017 with more intentional love. to do better at listening and paying attention to the loved ones in my life, to read more and talk less, to cook more and eat less, to spend my spare time with others instead of by myself. and to always be real to myself and to the people I love.


Happy New Year to everyone reading this. and to everyone else, I suppose. Maybe I'll be back before next New Years.

Demons

The National sing a song called "Demons" The chorus repeats over and over "I stay down with my demons." That seems to be where I am today.

Recently I've had good times. There have been some really encouraging things, some of which I had resigned myself to not enjoying or experiencing. I feel like I've had a general lessening of anxiety over specific things and people. Not nearly as much worrying over small details or feeling held at arms length and struggling to be ok with that. I was able to provide some assistance in tangible and casual ways.

Yet my demons, as always, return to remind me that none of it matters. Trying hard, not trying hard, Casual, Warm, Distant, Pleasant, Pre-occupied, Helpful... none of it ever amounts to anything more than surface acknowledgement and the spare specifics that might lead to tangible usefulness. Even when something is accepted it doesn't generate appreciation. It doesn't matter what I think, say, or do. There is only whatever service I can provide, and then the steel trap of inscrutability snaps shut and nothing changes. So many times I think I'm getting used to it and will be ok with no feedback, then something happens to remind me of the isolation and rejection that this type of relationship brings with it and I realize again that I'm not ok. I stay down with my Demons. It doesn't matter. It doesn't feel good, and it doesn't matter.

In more practical and less morose matters, I was able to go over and take in the Pope's visit to Washington DC. It was a fun trip, not much sleep and a lot of walking and waiting in a crowd. It generated a lot of questions and internal dialogue about how I felt about it.

My current and principally practical perspective embraces the unlikelihood of an involved or personal deity. This seems by far the most likely and least contradictory scenario. And in general that perspective has provided a calmness and reduced anxiety in my perspective toward religion and life in general. I don't spend time envying those who pursue faith or wishing it for myself.

In observing and listening to Pope Francis I am fascinated at the selfless and genuine faith put into action. If I ever rediscover the drive to personally involve myself in the pursuit of faith again it will be because of an approach similar to what I observe in this Pontiff. The consistency of his message and his actions is inspirational. He preaches a gospel of love, and caring for everyone, and then demonstrates it with a willingness to reach out and interact with anyone. I see in him a selflessness and unconditional love that the best traditions of faith apply to Jesus Christ.

I still have mixed feelings about the catholic church in general. There is plenty of repressive, damaging negative to go with the positive of the beautiful rituals. Insofar as the rituals themselves beckon, governed by a heavy-handed and out of touch bureaucracy, I'm not interested. At the point that centuries-old traditions are imbued with fresh meaning and beauty by a leader who demonstrates compassion in a direct and undeniable way, makes me think.

No conversion to report at this time. Yet I've indulged in a lot of pondering about what I think and why I think it.

Grandpa

June 28, 2015

My Grandpa died today. It's the first time in my life that his steady, larger-than-life presence isn't there to fall back on. Even when he was old and feeble, he still produced reminders of what he had stood for and never seemed to waver from his faith or his purpose in life.

When I was a kid I was sure my dad knew everything and could do everything. I was also pretty sure that everything he knew had been imparted to him by Grandpa, and I figured Grandpa had probably gotten all of it firsthand from God.

I've been thinking about things I learned from Grandpa. There are untold numbers of things on that list, but here are a few that come to mind right now.

Grandpa attended school until 4th grade. Yet he never let that stop him from learning and accomplishing what needed to be done. He could weld and build mechanical things with an ingenuity nearing that of an inventor. If something needed to be loosened he'd reach for the WD-40, and if it needed to be secured he'd pull out the JB Weld. He was a firm believer that if you couldn't turn a lug nut, all you needed was a longer handle. He repaired VWs for years and had a consistently good name among the local community. In addition to mechanical prowess, he studied the wider world around us. Regular subscriptions to National Geographic for years and years, resulted in a proverbial bookshelf full of old issues, Other subscriptions included the US News and World Report, the Jerusalem Post and a number of other Jewish oriented publications. To read them today, I'm certain I would disagree vehemently with the perspective but I still value the effort he put forth to widen his area of knowledge.

When Grandpa preached he could rattle the window panes with his conviction and when he prayed it seemed like heaven must accede due to his ardor and quaking-voiced insistence. His short stocky stature belied the veritable giant among men that he seemed. Nonetheless as I got older and learned more about the way the world works I came to realize that along with his conviction, and certainty (things I markedly lack) there were elements of harshness and regret that it would have been better to not carry. He was one of the first people who helped my understand that good men aren't perfect. He wasn't a good man because he didn't have failings. He was good in spite of his failings.

From everything I know about Grandpa in his younger years I gather he was highly opinionated, and held those opinions quite strongly. (I suppose it's safe to say elements of those show up in my own experience as well...) A number of times in Grandpa's life his unwillingness to concede a point, no matter how important or technically correct he was, resulted in alienation from others, sometimes even loved ones. I appreciate that he sought to hold fast to the things he felt were important, but I view the alienation that caused as something that can and should be avoided.

As a family we were quite accustomed to seeing his arms folded, eyes squeezed shut and his head bouncing up and down with a peculiar jolliness that was infectious. He loved good humor and indulged in laughter that shook his whole body. It's not hard to see similarities in sons, grandsons, and at least with Jamison, the next generation too. He enjoyed a quick afternoon nap, took barbecuing chicken seriously and was always ready for a good discussion, particularly if it was about End times prophecy. 

He was a stalwart member of the church. He valued his integrity in the community far more than achieving "success" or wealth. He was accommodating and helpful, to anyone who needed it. But most of all, he was the patriarch of the family that made me who I am. 

I miss you Grandpa. I see your life reflected in the faces and the actions of my uncles, aunts, and cousins. I'm proud to take my part in carrying on your memory. 

Thank you for leaving a legacy to be proud of. 

EMC World 2015

The interesting, informative, somewhat frenetic experience of EMC World 2015 is drawing to a close. It has been fun and enriching. Here are a few of the thoughts I have in reflecting on the past 4 days.


- Progress: EMC is making great efforts to recover and organize around their position as a leader in the world of tech. Their emerging technologies continue to push the envelope to provide seamless access in a wide range of scenarios. They have done a good job in answering the challenge of the cheaper All Flash Array vendors. And they continue to refine and improve products that have long been leaders in functionality and indeed near industry standard in some cases. I also appreciated the emphasis on charity through a partnership with Charity: Water. Glad to see that emphasis.

- Crazy. Las Vegas as the host city has been an interesting experience. It pitches itself as the place where dreams come true and where anything and everything is possible. Yet behind that lovely facade is a dark, lonely element of disappointment and self-derision. I've enjoyed seeing it and being a part of it. I could see coming again, although I believe perspective is imperative.

- Knowledge. The breakout sessions have been quite informative and have brought into focus a number of things that could / should be strong priorities to my company, if / when we ever get through the backlog of strong priorities that we currently have. I've learned a lot, and I want to present it in such a way that others can understand it.

- Music. Favorably impressed by EMC's decision to use a live orchestra for the keynote sessions. They really improved the presentations. Also some of the side-stage bands have been interesting and intriguing. The Customer Appreciation Event Concert of Fall Out Boy and One Republic was disappointing. Here's my take....

• A Prime Rib Carving Station at a concert? Lamest Crowd Ever. I love free beer, but the entitlement in a constant buffet of food is just ridiculous.
• All Fall Out Boy songs sound the same. I'm Sorry, I've tried, I just can't bring myself to understand and enjoy their sound. 
• I thought Fall Out Boy's visuals were very disruptive and I liked that they appear to be challenging ideas of capitalism and government oppression. Also they really brought it with great energy.
• Sound was too low for One Republic and WAY Too Low for Fall Out Boy.
• One Republic I found to be diverse in the sense that they include a number of different styles of music in their repertoire. .Interesting - right? Yet they seemed to be stuck in an attempt to make popular music and end up with a whole lot of perfectly forgettable songs. 
• The final song, an EDM remix of  "If I Lose Myself" was the best thing out out there all night. 
• I'm glad I went. Didn't feel at home like I do at Firefly Music Festival, that's for sure.

- Conversations - From informed technical interchange in the solutions expo to philosophizing with drunk Irishmen in a bar, I had a good time talking with people. Not everyone, I remain a more withdrawn person than that, but I made an effort to walk away with at least one contact to take home every day. I met that goal easily and had a great time while doing it.

Information Generation: Somewhat of a buzzword at this convention, I appreciate the focus and emphasis being made about the transformation of life that is occurring around us through the digitization and data collection of virtually every part of life. The Guru session with Jason Silva and Jake Porway was the highlight of the week for me. Jason encouraged us to embrace the ubiquitous nature of data today and Jake reminded us of the importance of giving back and seeking ways to improve the experience of the human family. This was great. 

Disruptive: I'm ready to get back to my family. I'm also very thankful for the opportunity to get away from the daily grind and refocus on what is important. This needs to happen more often.

There was many more fun and interesting details, I'll probably think of over the coming hours. Who knows, maybe I'll add to this or maybe they will go forever unrecorded.

Here's hoping I can get back next year.

Jesse

Almost a year...

Somehow I feel like it's important to not let a blog go an entire year without posting on it. That crosses some type of line where it goes beyond, I've been busy to I don't care about expressing myself at all. But the silence in this space mirrors the difficulty I've had over the past year in knowing and expressing the way I feel about things.

Time has continued picking up speed as it rolls downhill into the future. I have a 5 year old daughter, who is almost ready to turn 6 and will head for first grade in the fall. She has her own opinions about things, is quick to argue for the things that are important to her, and I'm sure she picks up more than I know. I have no idea how we got here.

My wife and I have been married for almost 16 years. We've had ups and downs, like each other most of the time and keep on trying to do life together. It's always a learning experience. I have no idea how we got here.

I've worked at the same company for almost 21 years and keep finding myself in new and challenging circumstances. I've probably never had to deal with more responsibility, and I find that even though I may be temperamentally and experimentally suited for it, I feel less qualified or knowledgeable than ever. I have no idea how I got here.

So the last year has continued to be a stretching time, but I think overall a good time. There have been negative experiences or perspectives, often of my own making.

There have been interactions with family that have been uncomfortable and full of pitfalls, yet there have been strongly positive interactions that make me appreciative of the friendships I have with family. Even that most complicated, challenging, and scary relationship of all has shown slight glimmers here and there of something strangely resembling hope. I don't trust it yet. I still talk myself into a dark place when it seems like it doesn't matter. But if I view positive interactions as building blocks, then I begin to have a little pile to begin to stack together.

One descriptive word that I embrace as applying to me is skeptical.

I view myself as a skeptic when it comes to religion.
I am skeptical when things are going well that it's going to last.
I'm skeptical of nice things said about me as being either a lie or a lightly held idea that will inevitably be swayed by reality.
I'm skeptical of those relationships that I value. The past has reminded me of how fleeting they can be.
I'm skeptical of my own actions. Every day decisions must be made about what is most important. I don't ever want to get to the point where I stop struggling and stop doubting my own choices. That's how you know things are important.

Anyway, I'm not convinced of the efficacy of pseudo-philosophical ramblings. Just a few things that occur to me this morning.

527 Miles and Death's Cold Hands

I wanted to be a long way from here tonight. I wanted to be 527 miles from here. I wanted to be traveling, to be with people I care about and seeing new things with my family. I wanted to help celebrate. I wanted to encourage and approve and be proud. I wanted to be there.

I wanted to be looked for. I wanted to be checked on. I wanted to be invited, to be thanked, to be valued. I wanted to be missed. I wanted to be cared for.

One of my favorite people was recognized tonight. It was an award honoring hard work and perseverance and sterling character. It was earned, and it was exciting,

But instead, I found myself driving to the viewing of an old friend. Someone I've known for a long time. Someone who was quiet and smiley, and friendly. He made me feel like our friendship was important. He was older, but way too young to march into the past. I saw him last week, waved, smiled, visited for a short time at the office. I miss him. I grieve for his family. I hate that he's gone.

And yet in struggling to make sense of relationships, that years of struggle and heartache have brought nary a single element of appreciation, I find that perhaps death is the appropriate experience to mull over.

No matter how much I wish him back, my friend will never show up again to say hi or ask about family. No matter how much I feel like I should have future experiences and chances to interact, that just won't happen. Death's hands are cold. They don't do favors, just because we are earnest or well-meaning.

As I watched a relationship die, I held on to the hope that the future would bring more opportunities, that next time I wouldn't be held as distant and as casual. I refused to let go of the chance that it would change and the relationship would be revived and return to health.

I'm not sure that I've yet given up on those things.

But tonight I know that death is cold. And death of a relationship is cold and hard. Hope becomes a distant idea, and stress and the expectation of sadness and disappointment become the companions I walk with every day.

Congratulations! Condolences! Curses...

Little Things hurt too (Cleanup. From sometime in late January 2014)

A month ago, just after Christmas, a misunderstanding occurred that resulted in one of my favorite people going on at some length that they were opposed to something that we as a family had planned to do. The ranting continued long enough that there was no doubt as to their opposition and in fact had gotten to that awkward point where everyone present was busying themselves in other things and trying to pretend it hadn't happened. We accepted the overwhelming perspective as best we could and departed for home with as much humility as we could muster. And while it would be nice to note that the energetic and dissenting party later apologized or at least addressed the uncomfortable situation, that part never actually happened. Not a word was said or the slightest hint of contrition in regards to the pain that had been caused.

And then a week ago, I posed a question or request of another of my favorite people. The response came quickly and clearly that they were too busy to accommodate the scenario that I had proposed, and there was little point in persisting in the folly that was my continuing efforts. This was painful as well.

After both of these taking place in such a short time and with those people being of such importance to me, this was really tough to take. It felt reminiscent of being depressed and the complete uncertainty about what was going on in people's approach toward me.

To this point, I have not responded to either person for fear that I would say / write something that was far beyond appropriate. But... Life goes on...