Help me get down, I can make it,
Help me get down If I only knew the answer
I wouldn't be bothering you, father.
These are lyrics from a song by the Killers. They remind me of how out of control life feels sometimes. There may have been a time when I thought I knew the answers, but not anymore. A situation came up several weeks ago, when I felt like God was moving things into place to answer a prayer and life might make sense. Things didn't fall into place, and life has moved in weirder directions since then. I sat and listened to this song, and struggled to retain what little confidence in a greater plan I still had. Right now life just doesn't really make sense, and I feel like every area of my life means I'm bothering someone, family friends and even God. My heart cries with the ache of what might be. but life demands we go on. So I'll just keep trying, and hoping that someone somewhere cares enough to help.
----------------
Now playing: The Arcade Fire - Intervention
via FoxyTunes
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Saturday, November 1, 2008
11/1/2008 - Day's events
So I thought I'd also try to use the blogosphere to keep track of a few of my thoughts on the events of each day. We'll see how it goes. Today was a Saturday, spent in Ohio with our family. We headed out mid-morning, and after stopping at Java Jo's, Heini's, and the AAA office in Cleveland, we found ourselves at the Rock & Roll hall of fame and museum. The next number of hours was spent wandering the exhibit halls, watching various interviews and videos, and listening to a lot of music. It was an enjoyable though tiring day, and I thoroughly enjoyed being immersed in the music culture.
High points...
John Lennon's handwritten lyrics for Beautiful Boy and In My Life
Introducing someone to Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah
John Lennon and Bob Marley's signatures on the same wall panel
Being acquainted with 80% of the music I heard.
We ate supper at Max and Erma's in Canton. and had a good time together.
Ended up back at our host's house, and people wound down for the evening.
----------------
Now playing: The Airborne Toxic Event - Sometime Around Midnight
via FoxyTunes
High points...
John Lennon's handwritten lyrics for Beautiful Boy and In My Life
Introducing someone to Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah
John Lennon and Bob Marley's signatures on the same wall panel
Being acquainted with 80% of the music I heard.
We ate supper at Max and Erma's in Canton. and had a good time together.
Ended up back at our host's house, and people wound down for the evening.
----------------
Now playing: The Airborne Toxic Event - Sometime Around Midnight
via FoxyTunes
11/1/2008 - What did you accomplish last year
Made it through.
Worked through applying to an adoption agency with my wife, we're now approved, and waiting.
Lost 40 lbs.
Served as a bridegroom in both family weddings this summer.
Registered to Vote.
Raised a pint with an old friend.
Visited Washington DC at the peak of cherry blossom season.
Vacationed in Southern California.
Worked through applying to an adoption agency with my wife, we're now approved, and waiting.
Lost 40 lbs.
Served as a bridegroom in both family weddings this summer.
Registered to Vote.
Raised a pint with an old friend.
Visited Washington DC at the peak of cherry blossom season.
Vacationed in Southern California.
Friday, October 31, 2008
10/31/2008 - List five things you want
1. Acceptance
2. Respect
3. Peace of mind
4. Love
5. A Child
1. Acceptance has been a real issue for me lately. Watching and wondering if people realize the message their ambivalence sends. I want to be overwhelmed with peoples acceptance.
2. Other people respecting who I am. Respecting my opinions and viewpoint. Respecting my feelings
3. I want to have the peace of mind that allows me to savor the ordinary and bask in the wonderfulness of the mundane. I want to see every day as a gift, and enjoy every relationship as precious.
4. Love can be shown in so many different ways, and while the fact that I am loved may be true, I want every indication otherwise to be blown away in affection from friends and family.
5. My wife and I have enjoyed a wonderful marriage for nearly ten years. I do not want for companionship or partnership with her. We have long wanted children and years of fertility treatments, have yielded no fruit. As I write we are on the waiting list to be chosen as adoptive parents. The waiting time is increasing, and it is hard to remain eager all the time, but I recognize that desire for a child in my heart. For myself and for my wife.
2. Respect
3. Peace of mind
4. Love
5. A Child
1. Acceptance has been a real issue for me lately. Watching and wondering if people realize the message their ambivalence sends. I want to be overwhelmed with peoples acceptance.
2. Other people respecting who I am. Respecting my opinions and viewpoint. Respecting my feelings
3. I want to have the peace of mind that allows me to savor the ordinary and bask in the wonderfulness of the mundane. I want to see every day as a gift, and enjoy every relationship as precious.
4. Love can be shown in so many different ways, and while the fact that I am loved may be true, I want every indication otherwise to be blown away in affection from friends and family.
5. My wife and I have enjoyed a wonderful marriage for nearly ten years. I do not want for companionship or partnership with her. We have long wanted children and years of fertility treatments, have yielded no fruit. As I write we are on the waiting list to be chosen as adoptive parents. The waiting time is increasing, and it is hard to remain eager all the time, but I recognize that desire for a child in my heart. For myself and for my wife.
A New Thing
So I feel the need for more internal dialogue, and blogging is an obvious outlet, one that I've approached cautiously at various times over the years.
Stumble-upon, that great bane of productive Internet time, presented me with an interesting tool, I think it's called an Imagination Prompt Generator. (basically you click the button and it presents you with an idea or question to answer or write about.) If it was new years, I would say I'll try to respond to this as a resolution. But I don't want to wait until new years, so I'll start now.
One click per day. Write about whatever comes up. Even if it's to put "I don't Know"
We'll see how it goes.
Watch this space.
Stumble-upon, that great bane of productive Internet time, presented me with an interesting tool, I think it's called an Imagination Prompt Generator. (basically you click the button and it presents you with an idea or question to answer or write about.) If it was new years, I would say I'll try to respond to this as a resolution. But I don't want to wait until new years, so I'll start now.
One click per day. Write about whatever comes up. Even if it's to put "I don't Know"
We'll see how it goes.
Watch this space.
Election Fatigue
The election is mere days away. Both candidates are dashing through swing states, repeating their stump speeches and talking points ad nauseum as the election cycle winds down. While the debate may rage as to who ran the "dirtier" campaign, there has been a palpable undercurrent of nasty smears running throughout the political interchange this fall.
I love politics. The pageantry, the posturing, the idealistic speeches that over-commit, all for the sake of specific voting blocs. But I don't like this aspect of American politics. It seems that neither the candidates, nor their spokespeople, nor even our friends and neighbors can interact with this dialogue and maintain their civility to each other.
It is ok for people to hold differing views. So often, those opposing views are held by people who have thought long and hard about them. People have weighed where they stand and developed a view of the world and a view of issues that works for them. This is not wrong. These are not ignorant simpletons who must be chastised and brought to task because their opinions don't match our own. These are our friends, and often our family. They happen to see things differently than we do, but that's ok.
So what I'm trying to say is that I don't think there is empirical evidence that the Democrats are better people, or the Republicans are God's party, or the Independents and people boycotting the election are the only ones who really get it. It is better to walk arm in arm with our fellow travelers than it is to spend our time beating each other down. Recognizing companionship doesn't mean we have to share the same opinions or politics, but it seems to me that a certain amount of respect and acceptance of our differences is in order.
I'm ready for this election to be over. But I wish we would learn how to better love each other despite our differences.
I love politics. The pageantry, the posturing, the idealistic speeches that over-commit, all for the sake of specific voting blocs. But I don't like this aspect of American politics. It seems that neither the candidates, nor their spokespeople, nor even our friends and neighbors can interact with this dialogue and maintain their civility to each other.
It is ok for people to hold differing views. So often, those opposing views are held by people who have thought long and hard about them. People have weighed where they stand and developed a view of the world and a view of issues that works for them. This is not wrong. These are not ignorant simpletons who must be chastised and brought to task because their opinions don't match our own. These are our friends, and often our family. They happen to see things differently than we do, but that's ok.
So what I'm trying to say is that I don't think there is empirical evidence that the Democrats are better people, or the Republicans are God's party, or the Independents and people boycotting the election are the only ones who really get it. It is better to walk arm in arm with our fellow travelers than it is to spend our time beating each other down. Recognizing companionship doesn't mean we have to share the same opinions or politics, but it seems to me that a certain amount of respect and acceptance of our differences is in order.
I'm ready for this election to be over. But I wish we would learn how to better love each other despite our differences.
Trying to Continue... or Continuing to Try
As the saying goes, we all have our demons. This summer has been a tough one for me, struggling to find my way through perceived rejection, times of loneliness, and a sense of abandonment by people I love. It hasn't been easy and I'm not out of the woods yet.
In many different circumstances, I am proud of the way that I keep on trying, even if it is discouraging, painful, or seemingly bereft of value. I don't quit. At times, this has defined me, as someone who refuses to quit, even on lost causes.
Yet this summer, several times, I have felt like there was nothing left to do but quit on relationships. It bothers me that my once indomitable spirit is broken so easily. It bothers me that I considered quitting to be an option, and sometimes felt like it was the only option.
After spending a number of weeks waiting for others to notice my struggle and remind me that our relationship was important to them as well, I decided I couldn't just sit and wait for them. I realized that I needed to give up my "expectation" that love would be shown to me, but be willing to show love to them without expecting it to be returned. This is not a ground-breaking development in relationships, it's one I thought I had learned long ago. But when every interaction seems to point to the futility of even trying, it's easy to forget this most basic aspect of relationships. I feel like I'm in the middle of re-learning how to love someone unselfishly. And often it feels that loving unselfishly merely means showing love without any response or reminders of love. So my struggle to feel accepted has turned into an internal struggle over whether or not I truly show love without strings attached.
Since refocusing on this inner struggle, it has been easier to relate to the people around me, but I still often struggle with feeling included, or loved based on how people treat me.
But it is much better to feel like I'm still trying, instead of just giving up. So the battle with my demons has certainly not been won, but there still is a battle, and that gives me just a glimmer of hope.
In many different circumstances, I am proud of the way that I keep on trying, even if it is discouraging, painful, or seemingly bereft of value. I don't quit. At times, this has defined me, as someone who refuses to quit, even on lost causes.
Yet this summer, several times, I have felt like there was nothing left to do but quit on relationships. It bothers me that my once indomitable spirit is broken so easily. It bothers me that I considered quitting to be an option, and sometimes felt like it was the only option.
After spending a number of weeks waiting for others to notice my struggle and remind me that our relationship was important to them as well, I decided I couldn't just sit and wait for them. I realized that I needed to give up my "expectation" that love would be shown to me, but be willing to show love to them without expecting it to be returned. This is not a ground-breaking development in relationships, it's one I thought I had learned long ago. But when every interaction seems to point to the futility of even trying, it's easy to forget this most basic aspect of relationships. I feel like I'm in the middle of re-learning how to love someone unselfishly. And often it feels that loving unselfishly merely means showing love without any response or reminders of love. So my struggle to feel accepted has turned into an internal struggle over whether or not I truly show love without strings attached.
Since refocusing on this inner struggle, it has been easier to relate to the people around me, but I still often struggle with feeling included, or loved based on how people treat me.
But it is much better to feel like I'm still trying, instead of just giving up. So the battle with my demons has certainly not been won, but there still is a battle, and that gives me just a glimmer of hope.
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