Demons

The National sing a song called "Demons" The chorus repeats over and over "I stay down with my demons." That seems to be where I am today.

Recently I've had good times. There have been some really encouraging things, some of which I had resigned myself to not enjoying or experiencing. I feel like I've had a general lessening of anxiety over specific things and people. Not nearly as much worrying over small details or feeling held at arms length and struggling to be ok with that. I was able to provide some assistance in tangible and casual ways.

Yet my demons, as always, return to remind me that none of it matters. Trying hard, not trying hard, Casual, Warm, Distant, Pleasant, Pre-occupied, Helpful... none of it ever amounts to anything more than surface acknowledgement and the spare specifics that might lead to tangible usefulness. Even when something is accepted it doesn't generate appreciation. It doesn't matter what I think, say, or do. There is only whatever service I can provide, and then the steel trap of inscrutability snaps shut and nothing changes. So many times I think I'm getting used to it and will be ok with no feedback, then something happens to remind me of the isolation and rejection that this type of relationship brings with it and I realize again that I'm not ok. I stay down with my Demons. It doesn't matter. It doesn't feel good, and it doesn't matter.

In more practical and less morose matters, I was able to go over and take in the Pope's visit to Washington DC. It was a fun trip, not much sleep and a lot of walking and waiting in a crowd. It generated a lot of questions and internal dialogue about how I felt about it.

My current and principally practical perspective embraces the unlikelihood of an involved or personal deity. This seems by far the most likely and least contradictory scenario. And in general that perspective has provided a calmness and reduced anxiety in my perspective toward religion and life in general. I don't spend time envying those who pursue faith or wishing it for myself.

In observing and listening to Pope Francis I am fascinated at the selfless and genuine faith put into action. If I ever rediscover the drive to personally involve myself in the pursuit of faith again it will be because of an approach similar to what I observe in this Pontiff. The consistency of his message and his actions is inspirational. He preaches a gospel of love, and caring for everyone, and then demonstrates it with a willingness to reach out and interact with anyone. I see in him a selflessness and unconditional love that the best traditions of faith apply to Jesus Christ.

I still have mixed feelings about the catholic church in general. There is plenty of repressive, damaging negative to go with the positive of the beautiful rituals. Insofar as the rituals themselves beckon, governed by a heavy-handed and out of touch bureaucracy, I'm not interested. At the point that centuries-old traditions are imbued with fresh meaning and beauty by a leader who demonstrates compassion in a direct and undeniable way, makes me think.

No conversion to report at this time. Yet I've indulged in a lot of pondering about what I think and why I think it.

Grandpa

June 28, 2015

My Grandpa died today. It's the first time in my life that his steady, larger-than-life presence isn't there to fall back on. Even when he was old and feeble, he still produced reminders of what he had stood for and never seemed to waver from his faith or his purpose in life.

When I was a kid I was sure my dad knew everything and could do everything. I was also pretty sure that everything he knew had been imparted to him by Grandpa, and I figured Grandpa had probably gotten all of it firsthand from God.

I've been thinking about things I learned from Grandpa. There are untold numbers of things on that list, but here are a few that come to mind right now.

Grandpa attended school until 4th grade. Yet he never let that stop him from learning and accomplishing what needed to be done. He could weld and build mechanical things with an ingenuity nearing that of an inventor. If something needed to be loosened he'd reach for the WD-40, and if it needed to be secured he'd pull out the JB Weld. He was a firm believer that if you couldn't turn a lug nut, all you needed was a longer handle. He repaired VWs for years and had a consistently good name among the local community. In addition to mechanical prowess, he studied the wider world around us. Regular subscriptions to National Geographic for years and years, resulted in a proverbial bookshelf full of old issues, Other subscriptions included the US News and World Report, the Jerusalem Post and a number of other Jewish oriented publications. To read them today, I'm certain I would disagree vehemently with the perspective but I still value the effort he put forth to widen his area of knowledge.

When Grandpa preached he could rattle the window panes with his conviction and when he prayed it seemed like heaven must accede due to his ardor and quaking-voiced insistence. His short stocky stature belied the veritable giant among men that he seemed. Nonetheless as I got older and learned more about the way the world works I came to realize that along with his conviction, and certainty (things I markedly lack) there were elements of harshness and regret that it would have been better to not carry. He was one of the first people who helped my understand that good men aren't perfect. He wasn't a good man because he didn't have failings. He was good in spite of his failings.

From everything I know about Grandpa in his younger years I gather he was highly opinionated, and held those opinions quite strongly. (I suppose it's safe to say elements of those show up in my own experience as well...) A number of times in Grandpa's life his unwillingness to concede a point, no matter how important or technically correct he was, resulted in alienation from others, sometimes even loved ones. I appreciate that he sought to hold fast to the things he felt were important, but I view the alienation that caused as something that can and should be avoided.

As a family we were quite accustomed to seeing his arms folded, eyes squeezed shut and his head bouncing up and down with a peculiar jolliness that was infectious. He loved good humor and indulged in laughter that shook his whole body. It's not hard to see similarities in sons, grandsons, and at least with Jamison, the next generation too. He enjoyed a quick afternoon nap, took barbecuing chicken seriously and was always ready for a good discussion, particularly if it was about End times prophecy. 

He was a stalwart member of the church. He valued his integrity in the community far more than achieving "success" or wealth. He was accommodating and helpful, to anyone who needed it. But most of all, he was the patriarch of the family that made me who I am. 

I miss you Grandpa. I see your life reflected in the faces and the actions of my uncles, aunts, and cousins. I'm proud to take my part in carrying on your memory. 

Thank you for leaving a legacy to be proud of. 

EMC World 2015

The interesting, informative, somewhat frenetic experience of EMC World 2015 is drawing to a close. It has been fun and enriching. Here are a few of the thoughts I have in reflecting on the past 4 days.


- Progress: EMC is making great efforts to recover and organize around their position as a leader in the world of tech. Their emerging technologies continue to push the envelope to provide seamless access in a wide range of scenarios. They have done a good job in answering the challenge of the cheaper All Flash Array vendors. And they continue to refine and improve products that have long been leaders in functionality and indeed near industry standard in some cases. I also appreciated the emphasis on charity through a partnership with Charity: Water. Glad to see that emphasis.

- Crazy. Las Vegas as the host city has been an interesting experience. It pitches itself as the place where dreams come true and where anything and everything is possible. Yet behind that lovely facade is a dark, lonely element of disappointment and self-derision. I've enjoyed seeing it and being a part of it. I could see coming again, although I believe perspective is imperative.

- Knowledge. The breakout sessions have been quite informative and have brought into focus a number of things that could / should be strong priorities to my company, if / when we ever get through the backlog of strong priorities that we currently have. I've learned a lot, and I want to present it in such a way that others can understand it.

- Music. Favorably impressed by EMC's decision to use a live orchestra for the keynote sessions. They really improved the presentations. Also some of the side-stage bands have been interesting and intriguing. The Customer Appreciation Event Concert of Fall Out Boy and One Republic was disappointing. Here's my take....

• A Prime Rib Carving Station at a concert? Lamest Crowd Ever. I love free beer, but the entitlement in a constant buffet of food is just ridiculous.
• All Fall Out Boy songs sound the same. I'm Sorry, I've tried, I just can't bring myself to understand and enjoy their sound. 
• I thought Fall Out Boy's visuals were very disruptive and I liked that they appear to be challenging ideas of capitalism and government oppression. Also they really brought it with great energy.
• Sound was too low for One Republic and WAY Too Low for Fall Out Boy.
• One Republic I found to be diverse in the sense that they include a number of different styles of music in their repertoire. .Interesting - right? Yet they seemed to be stuck in an attempt to make popular music and end up with a whole lot of perfectly forgettable songs. 
• The final song, an EDM remix of  "If I Lose Myself" was the best thing out out there all night. 
• I'm glad I went. Didn't feel at home like I do at Firefly Music Festival, that's for sure.

- Conversations - From informed technical interchange in the solutions expo to philosophizing with drunk Irishmen in a bar, I had a good time talking with people. Not everyone, I remain a more withdrawn person than that, but I made an effort to walk away with at least one contact to take home every day. I met that goal easily and had a great time while doing it.

Information Generation: Somewhat of a buzzword at this convention, I appreciate the focus and emphasis being made about the transformation of life that is occurring around us through the digitization and data collection of virtually every part of life. The Guru session with Jason Silva and Jake Porway was the highlight of the week for me. Jason encouraged us to embrace the ubiquitous nature of data today and Jake reminded us of the importance of giving back and seeking ways to improve the experience of the human family. This was great. 

Disruptive: I'm ready to get back to my family. I'm also very thankful for the opportunity to get away from the daily grind and refocus on what is important. This needs to happen more often.

There was many more fun and interesting details, I'll probably think of over the coming hours. Who knows, maybe I'll add to this or maybe they will go forever unrecorded.

Here's hoping I can get back next year.

Jesse

Almost a year...

Somehow I feel like it's important to not let a blog go an entire year without posting on it. That crosses some type of line where it goes beyond, I've been busy to I don't care about expressing myself at all. But the silence in this space mirrors the difficulty I've had over the past year in knowing and expressing the way I feel about things.

Time has continued picking up speed as it rolls downhill into the future. I have a 5 year old daughter, who is almost ready to turn 6 and will head for first grade in the fall. She has her own opinions about things, is quick to argue for the things that are important to her, and I'm sure she picks up more than I know. I have no idea how we got here.

My wife and I have been married for almost 16 years. We've had ups and downs, like each other most of the time and keep on trying to do life together. It's always a learning experience. I have no idea how we got here.

I've worked at the same company for almost 21 years and keep finding myself in new and challenging circumstances. I've probably never had to deal with more responsibility, and I find that even though I may be temperamentally and experimentally suited for it, I feel less qualified or knowledgeable than ever. I have no idea how I got here.

So the last year has continued to be a stretching time, but I think overall a good time. There have been negative experiences or perspectives, often of my own making.

There have been interactions with family that have been uncomfortable and full of pitfalls, yet there have been strongly positive interactions that make me appreciative of the friendships I have with family. Even that most complicated, challenging, and scary relationship of all has shown slight glimmers here and there of something strangely resembling hope. I don't trust it yet. I still talk myself into a dark place when it seems like it doesn't matter. But if I view positive interactions as building blocks, then I begin to have a little pile to begin to stack together.

One descriptive word that I embrace as applying to me is skeptical.

I view myself as a skeptic when it comes to religion.
I am skeptical when things are going well that it's going to last.
I'm skeptical of nice things said about me as being either a lie or a lightly held idea that will inevitably be swayed by reality.
I'm skeptical of those relationships that I value. The past has reminded me of how fleeting they can be.
I'm skeptical of my own actions. Every day decisions must be made about what is most important. I don't ever want to get to the point where I stop struggling and stop doubting my own choices. That's how you know things are important.

Anyway, I'm not convinced of the efficacy of pseudo-philosophical ramblings. Just a few things that occur to me this morning.