Pain in the midst of beauty

Today is a beautiful day. The sky is deep blue, undisturbed by clouds. It's warm and sunshiny, and just gives you the urge to go for a walk. It's a perfect day.

But perfect days often hide pain that is pretty deep seated.

It's easy to superficially revel in the insignificant details like weather, sports, and whatever is going on. It's a lot harder to take the time and trouble to actually find out how someone else is doing. Time because it means doing things you don't really want to do, and trouble because it means listening to someone else talk about their struggles and what is going well or ill in their life. Most people choose the easier way out and leave any kind of heart to heart talking to other people, or trained counselors, or no one.

For me, that re-enforces the idea that everyone is too busy to take the time, or doesn't care enough to invest in that way. That's a little discouraging.

So we'll talk about the weather and how beautiful the day is.

And most everyone will be happy.

The masquerade

I am intrigued by the trouble people endure in order to hide from what is real. This often pops up when groups of people are together. There is a certain expected level of conduct or speech or ideas, and most people go to great lengths to ensure that their comments and actions fall within that expected range. If people act or say things outside of those boundaries, the tendency is for them to be ostracized, often subconsciously. They will probably find themselves pushed to the margins and left sitting by themselves instead of actively engaged in discourse with others. I know that when I was the one concerned with meeting that accepted level of action, it felt like it was only natural and right to do that. I think the masquerade is so effective that you don't even know you are participating in it. Since I've abandoned, at least partially, that game, I know what it's like to be the outsider, to be marginalized and omitted from discussions and activity. It doesn't make me proud of myself for the past or proud of my friends.

In that context when you find someone willing to acknowledge the messiness of the real, you value it. The willingness to engage people and reality where they are, shows a heart that is more concerned with the people involved than with the level of action. I want to be more like that.

----------------
Now playing: Thriving Ivory - Day of Rain
via FoxyTunes

Thoughts on affection

Affection expressed means a lot to me. They are little reminders of love and care. When that is absent, I fend it exceedingly hard to believe that people still care. Harder still is when I see others who enjoy the reminders that I so desperately desire. I question whether I belong. I question whether people still care. I question my feelings, and every question yields more sorrow. There's not much else to do but just go on, and let what happens happen. But the yearning in my soul for people's consistant affection grows and grows, and the ache of loneliness get's harder and harder to ignore.

But people are happy, families are close. It's just me that falls outside the lines somewhere.

Almost did it today...

I roller blade to work. It's a small town setting, roads are mostly ok for biking and blading (Except for the never-ending road construction that always threatens to make me fall) I take my time, don't push too hard, and cover the two plus miles in 15 minutes or so. There are several small hills (very small - my state is exceptionally flat) where I can skate a little faster. I like to coast down those rises, glorying in the burst of speed.
This morning there was no coasting. I pushed as hard as I could, eked as much speed out of my skates as possible. And I almost did it. I almost left behind my regrets, me anxiety, me struggle to feel loved, and my fear of disappointing those I love. For a few meters I think I outran them, and the world was good.

Then they caught up.
Like they always do.
And life goes on.

Jesse



----------------
Now playing: The Killers - All These Things That I've Done
via FoxyTunes

Our trip to OH

My SweetOne and I headed out on Thursday for a trip to visit family in PA and OH. First to Monroeville, a suburb to the east of Pittsburgh. We spent some time that evening with my Grandparents, then were back the next morning for breakfast with them at Kings restaurant. After breakfast there were a few things that we were able to help with around the house - cleaning, tightening the table, cleaning, organizing and some more cleaning. Probably not our favorite activity for vacation, but we were glad to help out with it. Early afternoon saw us hitting the road for the next leg of the journey, this time to Plain City OH. We were able to eat at the Der with her Grandparents, and spend a little time visiting with them. That night we stayed at the house of a cousin of my dad. This cousin and his wife were in Europe, but were gracious enough to let us stay there anyway. After a good night's sleep, we headed for Cedarville to meet up with BIL Lemmer. We ate breakfast at a terrific little place called the Sunrise Cafe in a local town called Yellow Springs. Absolutely excellent food and just a stellar atmosphere and attitude. Totally the best. Spent the next several hours wandering the streets of Yellow Springs, browsing, shopping, just enjoying being together. Purchases included a Dr Seuss book in Latin, an earthy pendant and bumper sticker, Incense, and a bag ofLoose Leaf Yerba Mate. Totally chillin' place to be. Headed back to the college and toured the campus for a while. Very impressive. Took a few hours and visited a local natural phenomenon, the Clifton Gorge. Spent some time just talking and hanging out before heading to church in Springfield. The service was simple, the people were real, and it was an encouragement to me. After church a group of students met at a former professor's house for a presentation by the professor and some spirited discussion. He spoke on Nationalism and the discussion lasted longer than we wanted to be there, so around 10:30 at night, SweetOne and I hit the road and decided to head for home. We made it to DE around 6:45 on Sunday morning and collapsed into bed. 1200 miles in 3 days. Caught up with some important people, and enjoyed the experiences that either made us feel young and spirited (visiting with 80+ grandparents) or old and foolish (visiting with college kids) or maybe still just a little young and foolish (driving all night to get home) It was a fabulous and enjoyable time. I won't trade those memories for anything. Thanks SweetOne and Lemmer.

Jesse



----------------
Now playing: Live - Lighting Crashes
via FoxyTunes

DC in springtime

Spent the day in Washington DC yesterday. Started at the Library of Congress, where we registered for Library cards which allows you to do research there at the Library. Beautiful building, you could almost call it a temple built to knowledge.
Then the long walk down the mall through a seething mass of humanity. This weekend was the beginning of the Cherry Blossom festival, and downtown DC was packed. The mall was brimming with families, tourists, people of all sorts. Looking down toward the monument, the air was full with a swarm of kites. Big, little, huge, flown by kids, adults. It was quite an experience to meander through the thousands that were gathered there, dodging kite strings and trying to avoid running into anyone. It's also awesome to rub shoulders with all the different cultures that come to DC for the tourist experience. I think you can hear more languages in a short amount of time in downtown DC than about anywhere.
I have some other thoughts on the WW2 memorial, and may post them later, but not now.
From WW2 we walked around the tidal basin, enjoying the gorgeous cherry blossoms on a lovely afternoon. Short stop off at the FDR memorial, which I highly recommend. A quote that stood out to me was in reference to the poor.

The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much it is whether we provide enough for those who have little. "

If the country, nay even if the citizens of the country, operated according to that principle, so many things would be different.
We spent a little time sitting at the Jefferson Memorial and watched a presentation by a Bollywood dance school. Very beautiful and exotic. After another long walk, (The nearest metro station was paralyzed with the crush of commuters) we were finally able to get a train to Union Station for supper and some shopping, then headed home.
An amazingly fun day, although pretty tiring. By our estimation we walked around 5 miles, and our legs could feel it by the end of the day. The cherry trees were pretty and the company was indomitable. Thanks Sweetheart, Beebs, Prudence, and Chente. You made the day fun.


----------------
Now playing: Linkin Park - Hands Held High
via FoxyTunes

Hello All...

I've blogged before, although not terribly regularly, but I wanted to start a new one as a place to throw out random thoughts as needed. I think I'll try to keep updates to whatever is on my mind, rather than trying to develop long and arduous arguments, (which are fun, but hard to get started on.)

So... Read on if you like. And let me know what you think.

Jesse

----------------
Now playing: Radiohead - Karma Police
via FoxyTunes