2012

To think more and talk less. To read more and eat less. To write more and fight less. To focus more on others and less on myself.
Resolutions are hard to keep, yet if we stop trying, it shows that we've stopped caring. Let the next year show that I care.

New Years Resolutions

I don't usually spend a lot of time putting lists of things together that are often hard to actually accomplish. Nonetheless, I am very much in favor of self-improvement and right now, I'm feeling like some self-improvement is quite necessary in my life. Here's a list that may or may not prove helpful. But it will exist. And it will be something to look at and use to check up on myself.

In 2011, I resolve

• ... to be healthier. (Easy to put "lose weight", something I've been able to do in the past (increasingly distant past, but still...) This year I'd like the emphasis to be on feeling and being healthier and to end the year at 30 lbs lighter than I'm entering it.
• ... to read more. 1 book per month that has spiritual relevance. Additional books for fun. (For this to mean less TV time wouldn't be a bad thing at all.)
• ... to spend more time thinking. It's been important for the past year or so to learn to not overthink everything, but as my headspace has improved a lot, I'd like to be able to have enough thoughts to generate a blog post at least once a week. That's really not that hard, but will take some effort.
• ... to guard jealously the first priority of my wife and daughter. I'm grateful that they really are the center of my life right now, and I want to keep it that way throughout the coming year.

Happy New Year to everyone near and far. May the coming year be better than your dreams and the people you meet help you on your journey. We are all on a journey and we need each other.

- Jesse

8/9/10 - My Worst Enemy...

... is myself.

I'm so very well acquainted with self-doubt and uncertainty is my closest companion. My first instinct is good and I know it, yet every situation finds me second-guessing and having a very difficult time trusting that I could possibly be right. I suppose the advantage is that I haven't walked through life making others mad at me - at least I don't think so.

I just don't know

It's been a long journey, and I kinda thought I would be getting there by now. Well I'm not there, and to be fair I'm even less sure where "there" is than I've ever been. I don't know if I've made progress, or slipped backward, or maybe even fallen completely off the map. I'm leaning toward that last one. There have been good times (Every moment with Baby X, late nights with friends and one libation or another, and a few tiny moments where a hug here or there made things seem almost normal.) But there have been a lot of not so good times (struggling to pay the bills, struggling to make sense of the landscape at work, disappointing parents, being ignored by loved ones, and having both of the couples who were our closest friends move to other states)

So right now I just don't know. I don't know if things are better right now or worse. I know we have a beautiful daughter who we'll do anything for. I don't know how much longer our families will stomach my "far-out" take on life. I know that the relationships with siblings has changed. I don't know if there is much room for me in the lives of those siblings who I used to feel close to.

I suppose that the dark days of depression are farther at bay than they have been in a while, but I know also know that my uncertainties need very little to rise up and choke me anew.

I suppose the thing to do is keep on going, even though I don't know where or for how long I can keep going without something changing. Trying to anyway...

Sadness and Sorrow

Pain. My heart breaks today for friends who just lost their eagerly anticipated first baby. Why? Why them? What plan could include getting their hopes up only to crush them at such an early stage? Their excitement was wonderful to see, it was amazing to participate with them in their joy. It's not fair to inflict the emptiness of heartbreak on them. I've never experienced the same situation, but my heart has spent many years empty and waiting for a child. Now our child plays happily, and my heart breaks afresh because someone else is experiencing a pain that seems so familiar. Z and A, you will be amazing parents. I'm so sorry that your journey includes this valley. Your friends love you and care for you so much. Our hearts break with yours. We can't begin to understand what God's plan is or why it included this. We mourn with you the loss of the present and at the same time eagerly anticipate the blessings of the future.

Differences

It's amazing the difference a year makes.

Last year this time I faced an emotionally charged holiday. The previous months had been tough ones. A number of situations had made me question just about everything and especially question the love of some of those closest to me. I was severely depressed and often had problems dealing with common, normal interactions with others. I had begun working with a counselor and was starting to find my way past the paralysis caused by fear of being rejected. Interacting with others, especially with Family, was still scary and the holidays are always packed full of family time. There had been some promising interactions, but I was still in a very tentative mode, waiting to see if there were any signs of acceptance – sometimes there were and sometimes there weren't.

C and I had been on “the books” for adoption since the summer and our profile was being shown to potential birth mothers. We had been looked at closely a couple times, but hadn't been chosen. Additionally there had recently been a birth situation that would probably have meant quite a bit of time spent in the hospital for the baby. We had originally said yes, but after having a night where both of us felt a strong degree of caution about the situation, we withdrew our names. I'm glad we listened to each other, but at Christmas time, seeming like we would never be chosen, I was dealing with a certain amount of guilt about that.

Last year the holidays were full of tentativeness, regret, uncertainty, sadness, and many many tears, probably most internalized. I felt like God, and family, had failed me and that no matter what I tried it would all lead to disappointment.

There had been some good times too, and the holidays weren't dreadful. I'm grateful for those family members who made an effort to reach out. But overall, my outlook was bleak. The encouraging times seemed as merely detours to the inevitability of being disappointed.
Sounds bleak.

It was.

This year, I feel like I'm looking forward to another emotionally charged holiday. Tears are near the surface. But these tears are happy, not sad. They're hopeful, not depressed. They're grateful, not dejected. And they are full of love, not wondering if anyone loves me.

In February, we were chosen by a birth mother. Then lots of drama happened. The kind that just about makes you despair when you are in it, but since it turned out the way it did, can be summed up in one short, impertinent sentence. Baby X was born at the end of April. She has graced our home and lives since she was a day and a half old. And our lives haven't been the same. She is beautiful, happy, friendly, and the cutest thing you ever saw. She loves her mommy and I. She has a darling grin with 2 little teeth poking out. She can crawl all over and gets into everything she can. She has shown a dangerous predilection for flirting.

The legal proceedings of adoption take some time though and as the months have passed we have waited for finalization and refused to think of any negative eventualities. And now our court date is set, it will be between Christmas and New Years. I think forward to that event and my heart feels like it will burst and the tears brim in my eyes. I remember wanting to cry from a year ago, but this is completely different. These are tears of joy, not discouragement

There are certainly things I still struggle with. I still wonder if I'm really accepted, especially when there are long gaps when I don't hear anything from people who are important to me. I still assume that others are critical or disapproving of me. I still have a hard time feeling comfortable in a crowd, especially if I don't know many people.

But Baby X to me represents hope that delivers, dreams that nearly died, and a gift so precious, it has nothing to do with deserving it. She has warmed our hearts, encouraged our souls, and brought humor and fun to our lives again.

So bring on the holidays. I don't know how family time will go. I can't be sure that difficult situations won't come up in the future. There are things I wish were different.

But I'm really looking forward to finalization and the surge of emotion that means Baby X is ours forever.

12/19/2009 - My 10 greatest joys

1. My best friend and wife of 10 years

2. My 7 1/2 month old Daughter

3. Family that accepts me even with oddities

4. Friends that don't judge

5. The power and emotion in good music

6. The sound and smell of the beach

7. A relaxing drink with friends

8. A hot and sunny summer day

9. A fierce and close hug

10. The early morning of a fresh new day.