8/9/10 - My Worst Enemy...

... is myself.

I'm so very well acquainted with self-doubt and uncertainty is my closest companion. My first instinct is good and I know it, yet every situation finds me second-guessing and having a very difficult time trusting that I could possibly be right. I suppose the advantage is that I haven't walked through life making others mad at me - at least I don't think so.

I just don't know

It's been a long journey, and I kinda thought I would be getting there by now. Well I'm not there, and to be fair I'm even less sure where "there" is than I've ever been. I don't know if I've made progress, or slipped backward, or maybe even fallen completely off the map. I'm leaning toward that last one. There have been good times (Every moment with Baby X, late nights with friends and one libation or another, and a few tiny moments where a hug here or there made things seem almost normal.) But there have been a lot of not so good times (struggling to pay the bills, struggling to make sense of the landscape at work, disappointing parents, being ignored by loved ones, and having both of the couples who were our closest friends move to other states)

So right now I just don't know. I don't know if things are better right now or worse. I know we have a beautiful daughter who we'll do anything for. I don't know how much longer our families will stomach my "far-out" take on life. I know that the relationships with siblings has changed. I don't know if there is much room for me in the lives of those siblings who I used to feel close to.

I suppose that the dark days of depression are farther at bay than they have been in a while, but I know also know that my uncertainties need very little to rise up and choke me anew.

I suppose the thing to do is keep on going, even though I don't know where or for how long I can keep going without something changing. Trying to anyway...