New Years Resolutions

I don't usually spend a lot of time putting lists of things together that are often hard to actually accomplish. Nonetheless, I am very much in favor of self-improvement and right now, I'm feeling like some self-improvement is quite necessary in my life. Here's a list that may or may not prove helpful. But it will exist. And it will be something to look at and use to check up on myself.

In 2011, I resolve

• ... to be healthier. (Easy to put "lose weight", something I've been able to do in the past (increasingly distant past, but still...) This year I'd like the emphasis to be on feeling and being healthier and to end the year at 30 lbs lighter than I'm entering it.
• ... to read more. 1 book per month that has spiritual relevance. Additional books for fun. (For this to mean less TV time wouldn't be a bad thing at all.)
• ... to spend more time thinking. It's been important for the past year or so to learn to not overthink everything, but as my headspace has improved a lot, I'd like to be able to have enough thoughts to generate a blog post at least once a week. That's really not that hard, but will take some effort.
• ... to guard jealously the first priority of my wife and daughter. I'm grateful that they really are the center of my life right now, and I want to keep it that way throughout the coming year.

Happy New Year to everyone near and far. May the coming year be better than your dreams and the people you meet help you on your journey. We are all on a journey and we need each other.

- Jesse

8/9/10 - My Worst Enemy...

... is myself.

I'm so very well acquainted with self-doubt and uncertainty is my closest companion. My first instinct is good and I know it, yet every situation finds me second-guessing and having a very difficult time trusting that I could possibly be right. I suppose the advantage is that I haven't walked through life making others mad at me - at least I don't think so.

I just don't know

It's been a long journey, and I kinda thought I would be getting there by now. Well I'm not there, and to be fair I'm even less sure where "there" is than I've ever been. I don't know if I've made progress, or slipped backward, or maybe even fallen completely off the map. I'm leaning toward that last one. There have been good times (Every moment with Baby X, late nights with friends and one libation or another, and a few tiny moments where a hug here or there made things seem almost normal.) But there have been a lot of not so good times (struggling to pay the bills, struggling to make sense of the landscape at work, disappointing parents, being ignored by loved ones, and having both of the couples who were our closest friends move to other states)

So right now I just don't know. I don't know if things are better right now or worse. I know we have a beautiful daughter who we'll do anything for. I don't know how much longer our families will stomach my "far-out" take on life. I know that the relationships with siblings has changed. I don't know if there is much room for me in the lives of those siblings who I used to feel close to.

I suppose that the dark days of depression are farther at bay than they have been in a while, but I know also know that my uncertainties need very little to rise up and choke me anew.

I suppose the thing to do is keep on going, even though I don't know where or for how long I can keep going without something changing. Trying to anyway...

Sadness and Sorrow

Pain. My heart breaks today for friends who just lost their eagerly anticipated first baby. Why? Why them? What plan could include getting their hopes up only to crush them at such an early stage? Their excitement was wonderful to see, it was amazing to participate with them in their joy. It's not fair to inflict the emptiness of heartbreak on them. I've never experienced the same situation, but my heart has spent many years empty and waiting for a child. Now our child plays happily, and my heart breaks afresh because someone else is experiencing a pain that seems so familiar. Z and A, you will be amazing parents. I'm so sorry that your journey includes this valley. Your friends love you and care for you so much. Our hearts break with yours. We can't begin to understand what God's plan is or why it included this. We mourn with you the loss of the present and at the same time eagerly anticipate the blessings of the future.