Differences

It's amazing the difference a year makes.

Last year this time I faced an emotionally charged holiday. The previous months had been tough ones. A number of situations had made me question just about everything and especially question the love of some of those closest to me. I was severely depressed and often had problems dealing with common, normal interactions with others. I had begun working with a counselor and was starting to find my way past the paralysis caused by fear of being rejected. Interacting with others, especially with Family, was still scary and the holidays are always packed full of family time. There had been some promising interactions, but I was still in a very tentative mode, waiting to see if there were any signs of acceptance – sometimes there were and sometimes there weren't.

C and I had been on “the books” for adoption since the summer and our profile was being shown to potential birth mothers. We had been looked at closely a couple times, but hadn't been chosen. Additionally there had recently been a birth situation that would probably have meant quite a bit of time spent in the hospital for the baby. We had originally said yes, but after having a night where both of us felt a strong degree of caution about the situation, we withdrew our names. I'm glad we listened to each other, but at Christmas time, seeming like we would never be chosen, I was dealing with a certain amount of guilt about that.

Last year the holidays were full of tentativeness, regret, uncertainty, sadness, and many many tears, probably most internalized. I felt like God, and family, had failed me and that no matter what I tried it would all lead to disappointment.

There had been some good times too, and the holidays weren't dreadful. I'm grateful for those family members who made an effort to reach out. But overall, my outlook was bleak. The encouraging times seemed as merely detours to the inevitability of being disappointed.
Sounds bleak.

It was.

This year, I feel like I'm looking forward to another emotionally charged holiday. Tears are near the surface. But these tears are happy, not sad. They're hopeful, not depressed. They're grateful, not dejected. And they are full of love, not wondering if anyone loves me.

In February, we were chosen by a birth mother. Then lots of drama happened. The kind that just about makes you despair when you are in it, but since it turned out the way it did, can be summed up in one short, impertinent sentence. Baby X was born at the end of April. She has graced our home and lives since she was a day and a half old. And our lives haven't been the same. She is beautiful, happy, friendly, and the cutest thing you ever saw. She loves her mommy and I. She has a darling grin with 2 little teeth poking out. She can crawl all over and gets into everything she can. She has shown a dangerous predilection for flirting.

The legal proceedings of adoption take some time though and as the months have passed we have waited for finalization and refused to think of any negative eventualities. And now our court date is set, it will be between Christmas and New Years. I think forward to that event and my heart feels like it will burst and the tears brim in my eyes. I remember wanting to cry from a year ago, but this is completely different. These are tears of joy, not discouragement

There are certainly things I still struggle with. I still wonder if I'm really accepted, especially when there are long gaps when I don't hear anything from people who are important to me. I still assume that others are critical or disapproving of me. I still have a hard time feeling comfortable in a crowd, especially if I don't know many people.

But Baby X to me represents hope that delivers, dreams that nearly died, and a gift so precious, it has nothing to do with deserving it. She has warmed our hearts, encouraged our souls, and brought humor and fun to our lives again.

So bring on the holidays. I don't know how family time will go. I can't be sure that difficult situations won't come up in the future. There are things I wish were different.

But I'm really looking forward to finalization and the surge of emotion that means Baby X is ours forever.

12/19/2009 - My 10 greatest joys

1. My best friend and wife of 10 years

2. My 7 1/2 month old Daughter

3. Family that accepts me even with oddities

4. Friends that don't judge

5. The power and emotion in good music

6. The sound and smell of the beach

7. A relaxing drink with friends

8. A hot and sunny summer day

9. A fierce and close hug

10. The early morning of a fresh new day.

11/19/2009 - Do you really have to care?

No joke, that came from the random prompt generator.

This is one of the things I've been trying so hard to figure out. There are many things that you can decide not to care about. You can call it being "easygoing", or "laid-back", or just not care. But for me there are certain things that lie at the core of my being that no matter how nice it would be to not care, I'm unable to not care. Maybe it's a philosophical idea like pacifism, or a current day issue like equality, or more often a person who is so closely entwined in my life that no matter what, I will care.

So yeah... you do have to care, at least about some things and some people.

8/28/2009 - If I were going to be stranded on a desert island, what 10 items would I want in my pockets?

(Will try to answer honestly... i.e. no shortwave radios)

1. Sharp knife
2. Rope
3. Photo of family
4. Poncho
5. Compass
6. Machete
7. Axe Head
8. Binoculers
9. Fishhooks
10. Fishing line

Busy Busy Summer

Well... time flies so fast, it's been a number of months since I last took the time to write much at all.

There is much that is wonderful... being a parent is amazing. Our little girl is growing and thriving and we are so happy and grateful for her presence in our life. I'm enjoying a summer that has been full of good interactions with family, friends, and loved ones. It's terrific to look back and realize that even a bad day now is better than a good day last fall. Of course it's not perfect, there are still days that carry discouragement and I still have many questions, but recently I've enjoyed being able to not obsess over that discouragement, those questions, and yes, that depression that was overwhelming a year ago.

Some things still remain a challenge. Finances are especially tight right now, and I'm not sure how that's going to work it's way out. There are still people who are hard to understand and harder to put up with. And I still often expect others to empty the glass, instead of helping me to see the half glass that is there.

But we're still going, still hanging on, and I'm so glad life is challenging. It's much more interesting that way.

EMC World nearly over, whew!

Well, the week is nearly done. I've taken in numerous sessions, spoken with many resources and contacts, wandered around the huge conference center with thousands of other geeks, and thouroughly enjoyed the blogger's lounge and the nod to social networking it represented. EMC is a technology company that prides itself on pushing the envelope of technology. Still it's gratifying to realize that they are indeed recognizing value in collaboration. Seems that much of the way business approaches alternative interactions like twitter, wikis, blogging, etc... is to give lip service so they can say they are using the technology, but not really invest time and effort in using them. EMC is at least exploring what benefits can be realized while using social networking. So good to see.

This morning left the hotel with a different bag and didn't realize I had left my pass in the old one until we got here. So I've been dodging security and trying to look like I fit in. Seems to be working, which kindof bothers me. I'm ok being a geek, but it's disturbing when it feels so natural. 

Heading back to the hotel in the next several minutes, finish packing, and then head for the airport. Looking forward to getting back home.

Loving, and enduring, EMC World

EMC World has had it's moments of brilliance and sheer drudgery. 

Loving...

The blogger's lounge

Some recognition of the value of collaboration

Espresso

The food

Lot's of goodies from vendors

Information packed sessions

Fitting in with this big a crowd of intelligencia

The search for a marrow donor for a sick associate. Something more important than all of us.

Time with Sweet wife and baby of mine

Enduring...

Tons of self-important people

Tons of blackberries

Absence of music
Not enough time to myself.

Some speakers are boring.

Evenings with unflexible people

Time away from my sweet wife and baby.

I'll get through it.

Blog update

Since I'm taking advantage of the excellent espresso machine in the blogger's lounge at EMC World, I thought I may as well update the blog that I do post to occasionally. I gained entrance as a blogger based largely on my twitter ID and while microblogging does count, this has a more mature feel to it. Probably a needless critique of twitter - in the process of taking over the world, but my brain is tired and I need the caffeine pretty desperately. 

So we're in Orlando FL, Christina and Charis are spending their days in the hotel as the rain continues to pour down. I spend all day at the convention center, either attending breakout sessions, roaming the solutions pavilion, or hiding out in the blogger's lounge. And I'm well ready to see my two ladies by the time the day is over. 

Today the day is moving pretty slowly, lack of sleep is catching up with me. One more blast of espresso should to it, and get me through the last session, then back to the castle and find something fun to do tonight. 

So that's life from Florida, viewed through fatigued and bleary eyes. I desperately need to write more often on here, and I shudder when I think of my music blog... Maybe more later.

New Baby Thoughts

It's been too easy to skip updating anyone through blogs. Our situation has been so static for so long that it's easy to feel like no one is interested in hearing the same complaints about the same things. Listed below are a few facebook statuses that I wrote that summarize some of my feelings of the past day or so... I'll leave you with those... at least for a start.

Sat, 4/25/2009 @ 10:03 PM
What an amazing day! The moment Christina held our baby in her arms, her face lit up. I've never seen her so happy. The moment I held her in my arms, deep in my heart, in places that have long been cold and hopeless, a spark of healing and hope glimmered. We don't know all that is left to be told in this story of ours, but tonight we know that she is beautiful, and she'll come home tomorrow.

Mon, 4/27/2009
My reactions to my first day of being a dad. It's the most energizing, exhausting, reassuring, scary, comfortable, awkward, easy, complicated, sweet smelling, foul smelling, happy, sobering, and rewarding thing that has ever happened to me. And I'm guessing it gets better from here. Oh and Christina is in her element! Stop by and visit.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

The past month has been amazing. I'll just list a few of the highlights. There have been a good deal of "regular" things that are encouraging in their normalcy, and I don't want to overlook them, but these are the things that have stood out since the holidays.

• I was privileged to attend the inauguration of President Obama in Washington DC. It was cold, crowded, and simply an amazing day.
• In Super Bowl XLIII, the Pittsburgh Steelers triumphed in one of the best games in SB history.
• One Tuesday in early February, Christina and I got the call that we had been chosen by a birth mom. 

While the first two are exciting, the last item is changing our lives. That call had been eagerly anticipated, and sometimes despaired of ever coming. In an instant, so much changed. So much of the self-doubt, and questioning, the despair, and the feeling that good things happened to other people, but not to us, all vanished. Not to say that there aren't still struggles, but this has certainly increased my consideration of "All things work together for good..." The widespread and enthusiastic rejoicing that we have felt from all our friends, has been a soul-soothing experience. Our families are ecstatic, our friends are so happy, and it all adds up to one of the most enriching experience of our lives. There's still lots to be done, and adoption always carries a certain amount of risk, but we are stepping out of our comfort zone and striding towards the next phase of our life. That feels so good, and a little different than life has in a while.