On loss

When I lose things, especially things that are very important to me, I struggle to adjust to the new reality of no longer having that thing that I valued. I like to think I'm pragmatic, at least sometimes. That adjusting on the fly and coping with new challenges is something I do well. While that may be true in some sense, and in certain situations, I'm finding that it is much more common for me to second guess, worry about and basically struggle to come to grips with loss, particularly when it is the loss of a person or friendship. I second guess what I do and say and if I could have done something different to prevent the loss. I worry that I could have inadvertently hurt or pushed away someone important to me. I guess adjusting to loss is just more of a challenge for me than I expected.

Some of it may be that adjusting to change is something that unsettles and bothers me. I am quick to withdraw and try to convince myself that that change is not hurtful to me, and even if it is, perhaps if I ignore it then it won't hurt as bad. This seems to be the case for changes in structure and responsibilities at work, or changes in relationships with family and friends, or even in the much less important misplacing of talismans or totems (The things I carry in my pocket are very important to me. For years I have carried a stone that reminds me of a time I was happy, and 3 pennies. 1 found under the table when my lovely wife and I decided to stop pursuing fertility treatments, 1 found in the elevator at the hospital when we visited our newborn daughter for the first time, and 1 found the day of the finalization of our daughter's adoption. Carrying these things around may be odd and seem a bit unimportant, but they were important to me. Some of these musings stem from the fact that in the space of a week, I lost all three of the pennies. I still carry the stone. And I hate that I lost the pennies, yet it reminds me that part of life is dealing with loss, so there's that.)

Also when the loss is of a person, whether through death, or relocation, or job-change, or just the ebb and flow of relationships, I find that it is additionally upsetting. I attach a great deal of importance to people and relationships. (I attached importance to the pennies, but not in the same way that I value relationship.) When that loss occurs, I find my thoughts turning inward in two ways. What should I have done differently to prevent the loss from happening or from hurting so much? And what can I do differently in the future to prevent additional losses from happening or hurting? In some ways this is how I'm wired. That's taken a while to understand and still longer to accept. I think that's an important thing to remember and to not try and prevent that introspection and self evaluation, yet getting stuck in that phase doesn't help when you are trying to move on. My second tendency is to pull away from people to prevent someone else from leaving and causing pain. Without doubt this attempt to be "safer" leaves me with fewer close friendships and support systems, and causes more issues in the long run.

I guess from the perspective I occupy right now, one where I see more clearly than sometimes the dangers of responding to loss completely based on my instinct, I see several things to try and improve.1) Allow my natural introspection to register hurt and disappointment without dismissing and ignoring them. 2) Choose to not get stuck in mourning and depending on the way things used to be. 3) Choose to get up and try again, instead of isolating and insulating myself. ("safety" consisting of entirely isolating oneself is sad and lonely)

Of course it's one thing to sit and drink and ponder and say these are areas to improve. It's a different matter entirely to put it into practice when loss cracks your heart they way it inevitably will. To put it into practical terms, I've handled the loss of my pennies pretty well. I know better than to think that the next friendship I lose will be handled so smoothly.

I guess putting simple thoughts together like this, ('cause trust me, I know there's nothing groundbreaking here. Just concepts that most people don't have as much problems working through, that I can't seem to grasp) is helpful to me. I'll be the first to acknowledge that these things have given me, and still give me, a lot of trouble. I'm just hoping that there's still personal growth that can take place despite my poor tendencies.