Summer evening ramblings

It's a quiet summer evening. The air is still. The chirp of insects is easier to hear than the hum of passing cars. Today has been a full day, lots of things accomplished. Overall I feel good at what I was able to get done. I feel good that a large chunk of the day was spent doing things to help other people. I've had a bit of time to myself and was able to just sit and think, something I don't spend enough time doing.

This week had some rough times for me. In trying to be sensitive some of those I love reminded me that their first response to me is to worry about what I will say and do, rather than to worry about how I feel. This saddens me and makes me feel that they don't care about what I really feel and who I really am, only whether my actions cause problems for them. This was pretty difficult. My remarkable wife argued with me consistently and forced me to recognize that this was assigning intent to actions that probably carried none to begin with. While I do accept that and have calmed down, I am still bothered greatly by the lack of understanding or even interest in how I feel.

So in many ways it reminds me that I'm still not fully adjusted to the way "things are" instead of the way things used to be or could be. This adjustment is proving hard and I'm not sure when I'll ever be "ok" with the way things are.

Also this week saw me lose 3 things that are important to me. No one else understands fully, and I still have some thinking to do on that one, but that also points to adjusting and learning to get used to the way things are.

Of course in the positive sense (I guess) the very people who consistently provide the biggest challenge for me to remain confident of their love, acted as if nothing had happened and this afternoon provided a perfectly "normal" interchange. I'm glad it wasn't negative, yet I still struggle with feeling fully accepted and not held at arms length.

There may come a time.... but probably not.