1. Acceptance
2. Respect
3. Peace of mind
4. Love
5. A Child
1. Acceptance has been a real issue for me lately. Watching and wondering if people realize the message their ambivalence sends. I want to be overwhelmed with peoples acceptance.
2. Other people respecting who I am. Respecting my opinions and viewpoint. Respecting my feelings
3. I want to have the peace of mind that allows me to savor the ordinary and bask in the wonderfulness of the mundane. I want to see every day as a gift, and enjoy every relationship as precious.
4. Love can be shown in so many different ways, and while the fact that I am loved may be true, I want every indication otherwise to be blown away in affection from friends and family.
5. My wife and I have enjoyed a wonderful marriage for nearly ten years. I do not want for companionship or partnership with her. We have long wanted children and years of fertility treatments, have yielded no fruit. As I write we are on the waiting list to be chosen as adoptive parents. The waiting time is increasing, and it is hard to remain eager all the time, but I recognize that desire for a child in my heart. For myself and for my wife.
Friday, October 31, 2008
A New Thing
So I feel the need for more internal dialogue, and blogging is an obvious outlet, one that I've approached cautiously at various times over the years.
Stumble-upon, that great bane of productive Internet time, presented me with an interesting tool, I think it's called an Imagination Prompt Generator. (basically you click the button and it presents you with an idea or question to answer or write about.) If it was new years, I would say I'll try to respond to this as a resolution. But I don't want to wait until new years, so I'll start now.
One click per day. Write about whatever comes up. Even if it's to put "I don't Know"
We'll see how it goes.
Watch this space.
Stumble-upon, that great bane of productive Internet time, presented me with an interesting tool, I think it's called an Imagination Prompt Generator. (basically you click the button and it presents you with an idea or question to answer or write about.) If it was new years, I would say I'll try to respond to this as a resolution. But I don't want to wait until new years, so I'll start now.
One click per day. Write about whatever comes up. Even if it's to put "I don't Know"
We'll see how it goes.
Watch this space.
Election Fatigue
The election is mere days away. Both candidates are dashing through swing states, repeating their stump speeches and talking points ad nauseum as the election cycle winds down. While the debate may rage as to who ran the "dirtier" campaign, there has been a palpable undercurrent of nasty smears running throughout the political interchange this fall.
I love politics. The pageantry, the posturing, the idealistic speeches that over-commit, all for the sake of specific voting blocs. But I don't like this aspect of American politics. It seems that neither the candidates, nor their spokespeople, nor even our friends and neighbors can interact with this dialogue and maintain their civility to each other.
It is ok for people to hold differing views. So often, those opposing views are held by people who have thought long and hard about them. People have weighed where they stand and developed a view of the world and a view of issues that works for them. This is not wrong. These are not ignorant simpletons who must be chastised and brought to task because their opinions don't match our own. These are our friends, and often our family. They happen to see things differently than we do, but that's ok.
So what I'm trying to say is that I don't think there is empirical evidence that the Democrats are better people, or the Republicans are God's party, or the Independents and people boycotting the election are the only ones who really get it. It is better to walk arm in arm with our fellow travelers than it is to spend our time beating each other down. Recognizing companionship doesn't mean we have to share the same opinions or politics, but it seems to me that a certain amount of respect and acceptance of our differences is in order.
I'm ready for this election to be over. But I wish we would learn how to better love each other despite our differences.
I love politics. The pageantry, the posturing, the idealistic speeches that over-commit, all for the sake of specific voting blocs. But I don't like this aspect of American politics. It seems that neither the candidates, nor their spokespeople, nor even our friends and neighbors can interact with this dialogue and maintain their civility to each other.
It is ok for people to hold differing views. So often, those opposing views are held by people who have thought long and hard about them. People have weighed where they stand and developed a view of the world and a view of issues that works for them. This is not wrong. These are not ignorant simpletons who must be chastised and brought to task because their opinions don't match our own. These are our friends, and often our family. They happen to see things differently than we do, but that's ok.
So what I'm trying to say is that I don't think there is empirical evidence that the Democrats are better people, or the Republicans are God's party, or the Independents and people boycotting the election are the only ones who really get it. It is better to walk arm in arm with our fellow travelers than it is to spend our time beating each other down. Recognizing companionship doesn't mean we have to share the same opinions or politics, but it seems to me that a certain amount of respect and acceptance of our differences is in order.
I'm ready for this election to be over. But I wish we would learn how to better love each other despite our differences.
Trying to Continue... or Continuing to Try
As the saying goes, we all have our demons. This summer has been a tough one for me, struggling to find my way through perceived rejection, times of loneliness, and a sense of abandonment by people I love. It hasn't been easy and I'm not out of the woods yet.
In many different circumstances, I am proud of the way that I keep on trying, even if it is discouraging, painful, or seemingly bereft of value. I don't quit. At times, this has defined me, as someone who refuses to quit, even on lost causes.
Yet this summer, several times, I have felt like there was nothing left to do but quit on relationships. It bothers me that my once indomitable spirit is broken so easily. It bothers me that I considered quitting to be an option, and sometimes felt like it was the only option.
After spending a number of weeks waiting for others to notice my struggle and remind me that our relationship was important to them as well, I decided I couldn't just sit and wait for them. I realized that I needed to give up my "expectation" that love would be shown to me, but be willing to show love to them without expecting it to be returned. This is not a ground-breaking development in relationships, it's one I thought I had learned long ago. But when every interaction seems to point to the futility of even trying, it's easy to forget this most basic aspect of relationships. I feel like I'm in the middle of re-learning how to love someone unselfishly. And often it feels that loving unselfishly merely means showing love without any response or reminders of love. So my struggle to feel accepted has turned into an internal struggle over whether or not I truly show love without strings attached.
Since refocusing on this inner struggle, it has been easier to relate to the people around me, but I still often struggle with feeling included, or loved based on how people treat me.
But it is much better to feel like I'm still trying, instead of just giving up. So the battle with my demons has certainly not been won, but there still is a battle, and that gives me just a glimmer of hope.
In many different circumstances, I am proud of the way that I keep on trying, even if it is discouraging, painful, or seemingly bereft of value. I don't quit. At times, this has defined me, as someone who refuses to quit, even on lost causes.
Yet this summer, several times, I have felt like there was nothing left to do but quit on relationships. It bothers me that my once indomitable spirit is broken so easily. It bothers me that I considered quitting to be an option, and sometimes felt like it was the only option.
After spending a number of weeks waiting for others to notice my struggle and remind me that our relationship was important to them as well, I decided I couldn't just sit and wait for them. I realized that I needed to give up my "expectation" that love would be shown to me, but be willing to show love to them without expecting it to be returned. This is not a ground-breaking development in relationships, it's one I thought I had learned long ago. But when every interaction seems to point to the futility of even trying, it's easy to forget this most basic aspect of relationships. I feel like I'm in the middle of re-learning how to love someone unselfishly. And often it feels that loving unselfishly merely means showing love without any response or reminders of love. So my struggle to feel accepted has turned into an internal struggle over whether or not I truly show love without strings attached.
Since refocusing on this inner struggle, it has been easier to relate to the people around me, but I still often struggle with feeling included, or loved based on how people treat me.
But it is much better to feel like I'm still trying, instead of just giving up. So the battle with my demons has certainly not been won, but there still is a battle, and that gives me just a glimmer of hope.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Pain in the midst of beauty
Today is a beautiful day. The sky is deep blue, undisturbed by clouds. It's warm and sunshiny, and just gives you the urge to go for a walk. It's a perfect day.
But perfect days often hide pain that is pretty deep seated.
It's easy to superficially revel in the insignificant details like weather, sports, and whatever is going on. It's a lot harder to take the time and trouble to actually find out how someone else is doing. Time because it means doing things you don't really want to do, and trouble because it means listening to someone else talk about their struggles and what is going well or ill in their life. Most people choose the easier way out and leave any kind of heart to heart talking to other people, or trained counselors, or no one.
For me, that re-enforces the idea that everyone is too busy to take the time, or doesn't care enough to invest in that way. That's a little discouraging.
So we'll talk about the weather and how beautiful the day is.
And most everyone will be happy.
But perfect days often hide pain that is pretty deep seated.
It's easy to superficially revel in the insignificant details like weather, sports, and whatever is going on. It's a lot harder to take the time and trouble to actually find out how someone else is doing. Time because it means doing things you don't really want to do, and trouble because it means listening to someone else talk about their struggles and what is going well or ill in their life. Most people choose the easier way out and leave any kind of heart to heart talking to other people, or trained counselors, or no one.
For me, that re-enforces the idea that everyone is too busy to take the time, or doesn't care enough to invest in that way. That's a little discouraging.
So we'll talk about the weather and how beautiful the day is.
And most everyone will be happy.
Monday, September 1, 2008
The masquerade
I am intrigued by the trouble people endure in order to hide from what is real. This often pops up when groups of people are together. There is a certain expected level of conduct or speech or ideas, and most people go to great lengths to ensure that their comments and actions fall within that expected range. If people act or say things outside of those boundaries, the tendency is for them to be ostracized, often subconsciously. They will probably find themselves pushed to the margins and left sitting by themselves instead of actively engaged in discourse with others. I know that when I was the one concerned with meeting that accepted level of action, it felt like it was only natural and right to do that. I think the masquerade is so effective that you don't even know you are participating in it. Since I've abandoned, at least partially, that game, I know what it's like to be the outsider, to be marginalized and omitted from discussions and activity. It doesn't make me proud of myself for the past or proud of my friends.
In that context when you find someone willing to acknowledge the messiness of the real, you value it. The willingness to engage people and reality where they are, shows a heart that is more concerned with the people involved than with the level of action. I want to be more like that.
----------------
Now playing: Thriving Ivory - Day of Rain
via FoxyTunes
In that context when you find someone willing to acknowledge the messiness of the real, you value it. The willingness to engage people and reality where they are, shows a heart that is more concerned with the people involved than with the level of action. I want to be more like that.
----------------
Now playing: Thriving Ivory - Day of Rain
via FoxyTunes
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Thoughts on affection
Affection expressed means a lot to me. They are little reminders of love and care. When that is absent, I fend it exceedingly hard to believe that people still care. Harder still is when I see others who enjoy the reminders that I so desperately desire. I question whether I belong. I question whether people still care. I question my feelings, and every question yields more sorrow. There's not much else to do but just go on, and let what happens happen. But the yearning in my soul for people's consistant affection grows and grows, and the ache of loneliness get's harder and harder to ignore.
But people are happy, families are close. It's just me that falls outside the lines somewhere.
But people are happy, families are close. It's just me that falls outside the lines somewhere.
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